Goodbye Dayton

Cars packed; two way radios ready;dog drugged and we're off at 7:30 am .the destination for first day....Atlanta GA. No problems today....weather cloudy but we missed the rain and made it to Atlanta by 4:30,
Keto behaving beautifully so far. tomorrow another 8 hour day will take us to Tampa..we can't get into house until first, so might as well take iteasy on the road time.'

On.. the Road Again

The adventure has begun! I am sitting at the kitchen table at Rich and Patty's in Dayton after arriving yesterday about 11 am...we pulled out of Kankakee at 5 am because we wanted te miss the snow, whidh we did.

I thought I would try Keto witihout the tranquilizer which was a majjor mistake. We had to pull off the road and pop a pill by 40 minutes into the trip because his anxiety level was over the top. Thankfully that worked and he was quiet the rest of the way.

The Greggas came over for dinner last night and tonight we go there for dinner,

Keto has made himself at home here; we brought THE PILLOW which he is so grateful. but this walking stuff is work!

Everyone is up for breakfast now so will sign off but will keep you all posted this way.

The Big Day

Well, actually tomorrow is the day I leave, but since I have everything packed and Rick and Patty are due here by dinnner time I am counting today as the beginning of our winter migration. The weather forecast keeps saying rain/snow...ugh! But tomorrow we'll be off for Dayton and at least that is somewhat south.
New pictures on the Ceiva this morning....always a thrill. (Should I take it? Should I not take it? still haven't decided)
This was a good Christmas for me even though I d idn't have everyone together. Carl and Heather were here for t he day before and Carl went with me to the Christmas Eve servive which was a special treat for me. Larry and Steve were for several days before that and I got to spend time with them.

And Tuesday was actually lovely. Especially how it started. Amelia called me at 5:30 am all excited and describing the abundance of packages Santa left AND he ate all the Nana cookies put out for him. Once everybody was awake and ready t hey called me and we both used speaker phones so I was "there" for all the ripping and tearing. I think I spent an hour on the phone.
About midmorning Joanne Schwade from across the street called and said one of her daughters surprised them and came home and would I join the three of them for dinner at 2?
That was fun, besides a great meal and good company, because Jim was having a computer problem and I FIXED IT! Can you believe it?
And then Dotty came home; we exchanged news and Christmas was over, Amen. I still don't like this holiday and am amazed at how many people feel the same way. And say the same things. Too much pressure; too much going on at once; high expectations; consumerism rampant, etc, etc.
Why do we go along with it? Why don't we reinvent the season to something meaningful and reasonable? I'm going to start this as my New Year project and decide what kind of Christmas I would want. What about you? Do you wish it were different? How would it look if you were in control? Let's hear your version.

The Big Week

No, not Christmas, silly.....Florida!

I keep thinking should I feel bad about leaving my friends and life in Kankakee for 3 months so joyfully? Why am I almost embarrassed that I can afford to do this? How could I be so lucky that my brother and sister-in-law would willingly live with me for 3 months? And how cool is it that my long time best friends are there only 15 minutes away? How many years will I be lucky enough to be able to do this?

What fun to have Larry here for a few days and get to spend some time with him; Carl and Heather and Steven....just not my New York family that I'm hoping I can lure to Florida (at least the female contingent....the professor may have to stay home and write).

I am looking forward to Patty being my partner in working off some inches while we're enjoying the warmth. I am starting to feel desperate.

And I cannot explain why I have not felt like writing at all; maybe getting into Shar's class in Florida will get me going again,

All thoughts keep coming back to Florida!

Another term ends

Last night was my final church council meeting as President. Slowly but surely I am letting go of my extra curricular responsibilities. This is a big step for me, silly as that may seem. I have been involved and usually in charge of so many governing bodies for so long, at least 25 years, that it is part of who I am and how I define myself.
And this is something I want to do and need to do, but I wonder if I would give it up so willingly if I didn't have the Parkinson's.
We all tend to define ourselves with the titles or positions we fill at work or as volunteers. And other people define us that way too. I can tell how differently certain people treat me at the hospital now that I am not the Chairman, but just a board member. And 2008 is my last year at that too.
So what are my titles now? Nana is the most important one. Mom still sounds good to me. Friend has become more important. But these days I increasingly refer to myself as an old lady, to which everyone responds with denials. No matter that it is true. Being old is part of the journey and entitles me to do what I want, say what I want, and use my time left as I want.

Besides if people my age don't step aside and let younger folks take over we are denying theme their turn. My future is a hell of a lot shorter than my past at this point, and I want to coast a while and just be me.

So will I chair your committee or take a seat on that board? No, I am much too busy being me.

Happy Birthday, Patricia Ann!

Tomorrow Tricia turns Jack Benny's age and I can't let the occasion go by without a long distance toast to my beloved daughter-in-law.
I have known her since she was 18. I could not picture Erich without Tricia ever since he first brought her home. It was always clear that they were a great match. So first I have to give credit to my son for knowing how to chose a life partner.
Tricia, even in the midst of crisis, is always quick to laugh and make others smile. She has at the very deepest part of her a joy of life and a genuine love of others. There have been many times when she has shouldered so much responsibility that her light struggled to shine because she has been the one to step up to the plate when no one else would (I know, Prof.Hertz, too many mixed metaphors).
She is a loving, playful, hardworking mom who worries about them too much like all moms. But she is molding loving, thoughtful, delightfully happy little girls, not that I'm biased. And of course she has had help in that from that wonderful, thoughtful, loving husband of hers, not that I'm biased.
She seldom complains about anything, even health problems. She is smart, very smart and like all stay at home moms she worries about how to get back out there and yet not detract from her role as mom. And I am confident that she'll work it out and find her niche.
I love to spend time with her; I am honored that she wants to share things with me and trusts me to be a substitute mom. I treasure the times we get to talk about the serious things.
And lately we've talked about lots of serious things and I value her input when I am wrestling with something.
She is a lovely, loving, woman and I'm grateful she's my daughter.

Ramblings

I feel like I am in a state of suspension. I look out the window on a foot of snow and wonder what am I doing here? My on going prayer is please no more ice storms, huge snowfalls, temps in the teens until after we flee south. This is as about as self centered as you can get; thinking the weather should take into account your own travel plans.
Remember my lists? Well, I'm checking them twice and checking off items and am at the point that I am ready to pack, even though my departure is more than a week away. So I am launching into re-organizing projects like yesterday Dotty and I cleaned and reorganized kitchen cabinets. Isn't this pathetic?
We cancelled church for the second week in a row because of w eather; probably a record. I know, I'm dwelling on this weather too much.
I might start working on wardrobe to take with me today; I certainly can't focus on much of anything that doesn't involve getting ready to go. Today Keto goes to the vet to have his teeth cleaned so I have to brave the cold this am to get him there at 8; when it's this cold my tremors are almost uncontrollable even with the meds.
Enough whining! I'm going to start getting out the Florida clothes!

Where I Shop

Just a few of my favorite sites for shopping, in case you haven't finished yet:

Overstock.com
A little bit like Marshalls and Big Lots rolled into one. Sometimes you can find wonderful stuff; sometimes nothing.

Zappos.com
I can't imagine a woman who doesn't know this site....the absolute best place to look for shoes and purses, especially European brands. Excellent service; no problem with returns either ( I can hear the "how can you shop for shoes if you can't try them on?" comments). They don't mark down much on sales though.

Novica.com
This is the site sponsored by National Geographic and it features wonderful stuff from all over the world. Great place to look for a gift if you have no idea what to give.

Etsy.com
My find of the year. It is like a co-op of artists who have a venue for selling their creations. I love the jewelry but there are dozens of catagories and literally thousands of items; you could spend hours shopping at this one site. You have to use Paypal but that's no big deal. And the artists and artisens are so happy to make a sale that they usually include a little note when they ship your purchase.

Chicos.com
You all know my love of Chicos, but I only shop the sale selections; they really know how to mark things down and their return system is also easy.

Landsend.com
Again I go straight to the outlet where they are serious about their markdowns.

Footsmart.com
If you are getting old, if you have problems with your feet this is the place, but I really don't want to talk about it.

Non-shopping but great sites:

Caedes Desktop Backgrounds: some great photography and computer generated art for free desktop backgrounds

WebMD: a reliable easy to use resource for all things medical.

Just a few of my favorites; your turn.

18 and counting

This is our third day of gray, freezing rain, sleet (yes, there is a difference), snow; in other words misery. When I go out I walk gingerly and breathe a sigh of relief that I made it t o the car. I've tried to think of something positive to say about this weather but I am drawing a blank. The best thing I can come up with is that I am leaving in 18 days, inshallah. It was so bad this morning that we cancelled church!

After 2 weeks of erratic behavior and one full day of no service I finally got someone scheduled to come out tomorrow to check my internet service. So guess what? It has been working all day like a charm. Of course. Their time table for tomorrow? Somewhere between 8 am and 5 pm. Well, that narrows it down.

I have done all my Christmas stuff; I now have 18 days to obsess about what to pack for Florida.

Ask and you shall receive

Yesterday was an all day cookie session; by the time I had all the plates arranged and ready to deliver I was too exhausted to consider it. When I asked in yesterday's blog if anyone had an answer to ending a tradition, my ever creative niece gave me an idea.
Why should I churn out dozens of cookies at Christmas time to let my neighbors know I appreciate them? Why not spread it out over the year? Sarah was talking about doing her news letter in January instead of December, but why could't I pick one neighbor a month, for example, and bake a treat for them then? That sounds like much more fun to me and we all get too much sweet stuff at once now.
So I am going to set up a calendar for the 9 months I'm here and not go t hru this mass production thing again.
Part of this frustration is the awareness that I can't stand on my feet all day in the kitchen anymore. Why do I have to get daily messages that I am getting older? All right, already...I know it!

Tradition

Winter wonderland, my foot. It is 3 degrees out there and another storm advisory...2 to 4 inches expected. And it isn't even winter yet. But I am fortunate. I have no meetings or appointments today. Ah, retirement when you can hunker down at home when you choose to.

What I am hunkered down with is dozens and dozens of cookies. We have started that process where we traipse through the snowy evening with plates of cookies for our neighbors and it looks like we will not only have the cookies, but also the snow to traipse in tonight.

If you've ever started a tradition that you wish you could give up, let me hear from you. I need some creative ways to extricate myself from several traditions like the cookie express.

Get it when you can

Computer fairy is not always so reliable so figure I would blog when I've got service; this is not usually a good time for me to be coherent.

Exciting stuff coming from St. Louis; Heather is really racking up the interviews including one at Northwestern in January...there, now both Carl and I have scooped her!

So I am giving into to the Christmas thing (actually have Christmas music playing); we started on the cookie marathon. We have two kinds done; 3 more to go, including the ever popular sugar cookies. Our recipient list keeps growing; I figured we would need to make at least 24 dozen....

I am having a hard time concentrating on anything; all I really want to do is pack for Florida and hit the road south. But I take refuge in my lists. Very frustrating to have items on the list that depend on someone else getting something done.

I have an early meeting in the am so this is very close to infringing on bedtime...it's after 8 here already!

Unplugged

Last night....winter...dark...Sunday. Who wouldn't turn to the internet (after 60 minutes, of course). PANIC! My service is down. I am isolated, cut off from friends and family, from shopping! I am an addict, you see. Most of you who know me know that I have a chocolate habit, a Chardonnay habit, and now the internet. There's chocolate and Chardonnay in the house, but NO INTERNET!
After trying the usual rebooting procedure about four times, praying to the SBC gods all the time, still not the special combination of lights I need to see on the modem. And to add to my frustration level I could not find the help number for the service.
So of course I call my own special help number, my private expert computer guru, son Carl and he says I've done all I could do and he's watching the Bears play. They're leading(but they'll lose).

It is hopeless. I am left with half a computer. Sure, I could write documents and play Spider, but sitting there with that gray signal in the bottom corner is too sad. And I've been around long enough that I've learned sometimes you have to walk away and hope the computer fairy comes during the middle of the night and waves her magic wand.

And she did!

After a few false starts, the green lights blinked into position...the little blue square said the tempature is 22 degrees (ugh) and I knew I was back in business..oh joy, oh joy.

A happy ending. I love happy endings!

December 1

The cold, the cold, the sleet, the snow.
What have I done to deserve this?
Was it the bah,humbug about Christmas or
the arrogance it took to toss out my boots?
Perhaps it is my indifference to my
working friends who cannot get away.
Or, even worse, the invites I have not made
to visit the sun and my swimming pool.

So, for now my home is my haven
while winds howl and sidewalks are ice.
Let them all bundle up and freeze their tears
as they go about surviving this winter life
just as I, too, used to do.
Oh, January first, how I long for you!

Greta the Great's big Adventure

It's quiet now, but that will end soon because Greta the Great is asleep downstairs, her long adventure almost over. Almost two weeks ago she headed west from New York with her whole family for a week in Illinois to see ethe relatives. She decided that central headquarters would be Nana's house. Mostly, because of Keto's willingness to share his couch with Dieter, the first child in Greta's family.
So Greta took little trips here and there to Glencoe to see her cousins, to Plainfield for more cousins, and shortest of all to the west side of Kankakee to see Poppa Howard and Grandma Sue. Greta has a lot of grandparents. And all this time she slept at Nana's.
Then at the end of one week Daddy, Amelia and Dieter went out and didn't come back to Nana's. She didn't know that they drove back to New York because Daddy had to work and Amelia had school and Dieter doesn't fly..it was his only way home.
The surprise for Greta was another trip! This time Aunt Donna and Poppa Don came to Kankakee and met Mom and Greta and loaded up a strange new BIG car and they were off on another adventure to Branson, Missouri where lots and lots of people sing and dance all the time...everywhere you go there you have to sit and watch people sing and dance!
Except at the hospital. There they tell you are sick. Well, they told Aunt Donna she was sick, but she knew that because she is a nurse. And the doctor who saw Greta said she had ear infection in both ears...Mommy had to be real strong to be in charge of this crowd!
So back on the road again to Nana's house! Greta was so sleepy that Mommy carried her from the car to bed, where she is right now. Poor Aunt Donna had to drive Poppa Don and her self to Joliet from here.
And the big finale to this adventure? Greta the Great gets to fly for the first time back to New York, and Daddy, and Amelia, and Dieter, and her own bed.
That Greta the Great gets around for a two year old!

Listmania

I just realized that I have slipped back into one of my favorite ways to pretend I am in control....making LISTS! I've done that several times here and am busy,busy making December lists. Just for fun here's my lists of lists.

Things needing done at the house.
Complete update on prescriptions/doctor visits, inc. vet
Tasks to finish on revised estate plan
Christmas gifts/tasks to do
Organize traveling office
Develop topics for remaining Sunday School sessions
Preparing car for trip
Go thru wardrobe/ clear out some
Determine wardrobe taken to Florida


You get the idea. To a veteran list maker, having that many lists to work on is sheer joy; it means I can pick from a variety of things and get something crossed off a list...the ultimate kick. I know many of you cannot relate to the joy part of this, but my fellow listmakers I am sure are envious.

Now to work!

A Start

Here's a start on my gratitude list:

Sons who are caring, bright, thoughtful and loving
Their wives; they made good choices
Amelia and Greta; my reason for wanting to last a lot longer
Friends who've been there for years like Park and Shar
Howard and Sue's friendship; it is unusual and special
My own home that I chose to share with my friend Dotty
My brother and his family, a joyous extended family
The ability to spend winter in Florida and Rich and Patty's company there
A knee that finally allows me to return to Yoga class
This awesome technology that allows me to communicate like this
Being part of a church family with a pastor that always makes service meaningful
Chocolate in just about any form
Gallo Sonoma Reserve Chardonnay
Stir fry veggies in pita bread; my new favorite meal
the view from my bedroom windows (my garden)
Opening my email and finding a note from an old friend
A telephone call from Amelia
Bird song in the morning
An uninterrupted night's sleep
The hoot owls right outside my window this moment
The dozens of friends in my community that care about me and let me know
The privilege of living in this neighborhood
The drugs that reduce my Parkinson's symptoms
The good fortune to find our MTL Tricia
Shopping internet sales for clothes
Hugs from Mia and Greta

I can't top the last one so I'll stop for now. I truly feel blessed.

How long is your list?

A Happy Thanksgiving to all who might see this and not be here today. I hope to find time to list all I''m grateful for, but I'm doing the cooking so it might not get down today.....it's a long list!

Thanksgiving week; Day One

Remember that last post about the silent invasion? It is no longer silent. But you knew that, didn't you?

But what's a little noise compared to basking in the affection/hugs/snuggles for Nana?

Greta the Great is faster than ever and really needs her own running track; Amelia is so mature and a young lady at 6. I cannot believe her reading skills. An d the two of them together is almost more love than I can handle. They wrestle, chase, hug and snuggle equally.

Today they head for Glencoe and then Plainfield. A movable feast. Old man Deiter stays here where he and Keto vie for the chenille pillow on the couch.

A silent invasion

9.30am; Albany New York. They finally found the must- have sleep partner ( a soft giraffe puppet) and departure for Illinois!
Meanwhile,, in Kankakee preparations were under way. New inflatable bed from Target (oh how we love an excuse to tar-jay) all set up in basement suite that has been Greta proofed as much as possible. Booster chair ready at the table. Toy box moved upstairs to living room, etc.
A check in at 7 pm found the Seinna in Cleveland with smaller inhabitants being put into PJs for the night. The grown ups in Kankakee decided an early bed time was in order also, so Dotty disappeared upstairs at about 7, I did a few more chores and made it to sleep around 8.
At the stroke of 1 am the van began its silent unloading. Dog quietly let out in yard with Keto and they both came back in to bed without any noise. Amelia on Daddy's shoulder transported to Nana's bed and Mom took a surprisingly quiet Greta downstairs.
Nana climbed back in bed with Amelia; Keto joined them and all fell back to sleep easily.

It is now 5.30 am and the foyer is piled high with their stuff so Erich must have unloaded everything before he went up to spare room for hopefully a full 8 hours of sleep having just driven straight thru from Albany.

Now Nana has only a trip from St. Louis to worry through and all her chickees will be together for Thanksgiving. What a gift!

I lied!

Some few blogs ago I did my "bah, humbug" number and talked about how much I do not like Christmas. Soooo...last night I went to the Hospice auction and came home with Christmas decorations, including a pencil tree already decorated! Dropped a bundle for this too (actually it is all a donation to Hospice so I would do that anyway).

Now that might be explained by the atmosphere, the competitive thrill of auctions, the wine drunk before the bidding begins. I do not have that excuse, however, for the cards that I bought and decided to send out this year, even though I haven't done that in a number of years.

Oh, and here's the real kicker; I have done almost all my gift shopping!

And, since I won't see grandkids at Christmas time, but they are due here this week (pray for Greta's health please) I am going to decorate now and even have their gifts under the tree.
How's that for bah, humbug?

If nothing else, I am always flexible.

Concentration

I know that the most rewarding way to live is to be in the moment, live in the present. However, it never seems to make any difference if I know something to be true intellectually...actually doing it is a whole different thing.

There are lots of wonderful things scheduled in the present and near future...the kids are coming next week, several fun parties this weekend, etc. and still when I let my mind float it lands in Florida, even though that trip is 6 weeks from now. I mean it re ally is in Florida. When I think of going to the grocery store I think Publix. When I think of exercise class I think of my PD group in Florida. I got the car ready (oil change, 15000 mile check up) yesterday!

I have plenty to do right here, some of which I dread doing (estate planning details); so maybe I am just trying to avoid my to-do list. But I have never been able to train my brain to live in the moment. Anybody out there who has mastered this skill? Tell me the secret, if you have.

The case of the missing blogger

A little message for the bro:

Where, oh where, is the mind of me?
Must be lost in time as it flies by.
Hearing all's well, that's what I live for.

What's up with Florida?

Why am I obsessed with getting to Florida? The weather is a factor, that 's obvious, but it isn't the whole truth and I am trying to understand what this is telling me about my life in Kankakee.
So what's different there? First, the weather, ok; let's leave that one alone for now.
So here's what else comes to mind without pondering: my brother and sister-in-law, no responsibilities, no doctor appointments, new friends to learn about, Park and Shar minutes away, days that have no schedule, shedding my stuff or more correctly leaving it behind, being anonymous at the grocery store, getting a break from hospice.

My brother and sister-in-law. I love spending time with them. Not only does it feel good to be with family all the time, they are both fun people to be with. We can talk about most anything even if we disagree. This year sharing a house will be different, but I'm sure we can talk about what is important to each of us and set up house rules that will make it work.
No responsibilities. There is a good reason why at this age people are supposed to retire and make room for the next generation. I am tired do being responsible for making things happen at the community level; I've put in my time. Not being a full time resident at Marco lets me off the hook on this and that freedom is what I enjoy.
No doctor appointments. I see so many doctors that going 3 months without doing that is a
treat. With any luck I won't have to see any down there.
I look forward to new people in my life; hard to make that happen here. I hope I get to know Carl and Margaret better; I will have new neighbors and there are Park and Shar's friends...I'm
planning on joining Shar's writing group.
Leaving most of my stuff behind: I have been wanting to simplify life and my surroundings; hard to do but for 3 months I live with just the essentials and, guess what? It simplifies life. Not being responsible for maintaining the house, etc.
Being anonymous. Having been a big fish in a little pond and living in the same community for34 years, it is refreshing to not have to play that role and not feel guilty about not doing it.
Being a Scorpio I have always been aware of death, but living with the director of Hospice really focuses on the subject. I like getting a break from hospice talk too.

I guess the summary is the change and the freedom and the lack of responsibility. It really is a 3 month vacation...who wouldn't love that?

I accept TGW's challange

Not knowing a thing about tagging I assume I am to answer the same questions so here goes:

3 names I go by:
1. Mom
2. Nana
3. Chairman

3 things I am wearing now
1. my favorite crocs
2 my Karen N. jammies
3.three diamond rings

3 things I would want from a relationship
`1. to be left alone
2.someone to attend parties with
3.someone who knows themselves well

3 favorite things to do
1. read
2. shop the internet
3. read

3 things I want badly now
1. Knees that function well
2 An internship for my daughter-in-law in Chicago
3.Peace of mind for my other daughter-in-law

3 longest car rides (?strange ?)
1. From Joliet to California and back with my mother-in-law
2. Kankakee to Orlando FL with my sons (long story)
3. Kankakee to Dayton to Marco Island with t he bro

3 Favorite holidays
1.Thanksgiving
2. Labor Day (back to routine!)
3. Easter/Spring!

3 favorite beverages
1.Chardonnay
2.Diet rite cola
3.Chocolate milk

3 things you may not have known about me
1 my freshman year in h.s. I was part of a motorcycle gang
2I used to sew my own clothes
3.I write poetry when motivated

3 jobs I have had
1.cashier at Walgreens
2.Radio advertising salesman
3.College Vice President

3 movies I could watch over and over
1.Chariots of Fire
2.Moonstruck
3.Grease

3 places I have lived
1.South side of Chicago
2.LaMoille IL
3.Ottawa, IL

3 favorite foods
1.Chocolate
2.Pizza
3.White Castles

3 places I'd rather be now
There is no place I'd rather be than home.

OK, cillic: it's your turn!

A small lislt of things that bring me joy

*New pictures on the Ceiva frame last night, mostly from Amelia's birthday
*A long visit on the phone last night with Erich (that's how the Ceiva got fixed!)
*A surprise Howard and I have for Tricia S this morning
*The anticipation of lots of talking time with my daughter Tricia
*Baking cookies yesterday; haven't had the energy to stand in the kitchen for that process in months
*Anticipating the annual gala tomorrow night where I will get to see all my St. Mary's family\
*Leaves actually turning colors and temperatures in the 50' and 60's.
*Thinking about Florida and the privilege of living there 3 months.
*Orbitz airline ticket info on my desk for New York next week!

Let me be the first

Merry Christmas everyone/have you been shopping lately? No other time of the year stirs up so many mixed emotions and the retail race has triggered the mental machinations already for me.

On the one hand, who can be against good cheer and charity projects and mitten trees and little children filled with joy....wait, let's think about that last phrase. What could possibly fill a child with joy at Christmas when he/she already has everything? Our abundance is embarrassing. Every child I know has so many examples of Chinese imports they can barely find the space to play with them. And I admit, as Nana, I contribute to that pile in Delmar, NY. What excites children about Christmas today?

And of course that's the secular Christmas we're talking about. The one that almost forces Jewish parents to have a green decorated tree in the house. What about the Christian holy day that more and more of our citizens in this country don't share. Are they expected to "get in the Christmas spirit" too? Do their children expect their piece of the goodies being hawked everywhere one goes?

There is so much negative for me in this holiday. I thought my feelings would change when I had grandkids but I still count it as my least favorite holiday. Don't think I'm a complete sourpuss. I love the Christmas story, even though I doubt it all happened that way, but who doesn't rejoice in the birth of an innocent babe? Who isn't cheered by the fact that the days are beginning again to get longer rather than shorter? It's a great time to celebrate and enjoy your love ones. It's what we endure from now to then that I find depressing.

Once lovely songs piped into every store and ground down into meaninglessness; trying to think of original gifts that people will actually not exchange or regift; trying to convince your family that you really do not need another single thing to put into a house (that in fact you are trying to get rid of half of the stuff already there) that is full of the things you love.

And the pressure on young families who have multiple sets of parents and are expected to travel all over with little ones. I think there ought to be a rule at Christmas that families with children must stay home and any relatives who feel they must share the holiday can do the traveling. If they're are too old or infirm they're probably not all that interested in another hectic holiday.

And don't forget the decoration expectation; in our neighborhood if you don't have little white lights all over the shrubs you are out of it. And the lights are pretty, don't get me wrong. But do I have to every year? I don't think so. Watch, by Thanksgiving I will give in.

Thanksgiving! That's my idea of a perfect holiday. The only preparation necessary is grocery shopping and baking pies. My kids know that that is the special holiday for me...being grateful for all we have, especially each other. Menu is already decided for you and the only negative is the massive clean up.

And I'm actually glad the retailers ignore Thanksgiving...that way it has managed to stay the truly spiritual celebration all Americans can share (except, of course, the real Americans we stole the country from, but don't let me get started on that!)

So let me be the first to wish you a Merry Christmas!

Bright Idea

Number one problem in churches and non profit agencies these days is getting people to accept leadership and finding people who have the skills and knowledge to take over leadership roles.
We tried here in Kankakee to form a civic group that would groom younger generation to take over elected positions and it died a sudden death when the seniors told the freshmen "you take it from here".
In the past the chamber has conducted leadership training for young people in business. I have no idea if that's been successful (not much that chamber does is successful!)
We need a training program through the churches that would teach people how to become lay leaders even if they have never held positions of leadership before. If the training were for faith based people they might be more open to giving it a chance. Those same people would then make good candidates for non-profit boards.
In fact, my guess is that some denomination has already put together such a program and developed the curriculum, etc. I've looked at the UCC resources (called the Leaders Box) and they are a little pedantic and dry, but could probably serve as a starting point. It would still take the effort to pull it together and implement it, but if what is true in our church is true elsewhere this could be done!
How many people are scared off from taking those jobs because they don't feel they know enough or how to do it? This is not a community of sophisticated people but that doesn't mean there aren't people out there who have the potential and even the willingness if they had the confidence that comes from experience. I have always said what I enjoyed about my KCC job the most was the younger people I mentored. (And I was fortunate to have some outstanding mentors). Maybe I could mentor a group...that would be a worthy effort.
Ah, another challenge; just what I need!

Brain junk

The more you love the more you hurt.

There's nothing more important to my state of health right now than a good night's sleep.

Shit happens.

Hugs help me thru the "shit happens" times.

At our interfaith service Tuesday I think I got at least 50 hugs.

Behind everything going thru my mind right now there is this refrain "new york and the girls in jsut 10 days".

I still haven't come up with any bright ideas about Christmas.

Got my flu shot yesterday.

I know it doesn't help to worry about grown kids. I worry anyway.

I have done nothing about preparing yard/garden for winter. Don't care.

It is late October and leaves have not fallen yet...Al Gore must be ri ght about something.

Gotta start the treadmill today...it's now been six weeks since knee surgery.

This is the flotsam clogging up my brain this morning...just thought I'd unload it whether it made any sense to anyone else or not.

Scary

In the middle of a manicure I get the call;
"I am in the emergency room at St. Mary's".
How fast can Becky finish this?
I tear thru Bradley, over the speed limit
In the biggest speed trap around.

When I get there I can't find my way;
the whole first floor is torn up for remodeling!
this is my place, how can this be?
I've spent 20 years on this board;
How can I still be lost?

Found at last, hooked up to moniters,
The most frustrating man in my life.
And it's ok, they are joking and the numbers
on the screen are looking good.
His cardiologist is on the way.

I think he should stay, Sue agrees.
But the doctor is comfortable
sending him home and that night
he is out tooling his way to a dinner
and bitching about the tree guy!

There's nothing like a reality check
On whether or not you care
When you see someone plugged in
to all that machinery in ER.
Take care of yourself, mister!

Kankakee, multi-cultural?

Last night was our interfaith community service like we did last year, but with a difference. There wasn't a seat left in the house! It was held at the Jewish temple and some people couldn't find parking spaces for blocks. There were over 120 people there and about 25 of them signed up to join our Tent of Abraham.
This is another tough one for me. Syed and I have been the founders and organizers for these past three years. I have wanted to back away from leadership on this, but if we double our membership we are at a critical point and ready to create a more formal structure that could grow and last as part of this community. I know I won't be able to let go at this point.
When we moved here this was a bland look alike place; I missed the ethnic diversity of Joliet. Now we have so many people from other lands; Muslims, Hindus, etc. This is the only place and event where we come together and agree that we have much in common. I really feel like I am making a difference in one small way, although it's hard to separate that ego needs.

Thank you, Elliot

Have returned from a lovely visit to Ohio family; five hours of driving is much more exhausting than it used to be, but glad that I can still do it. Isabelle and Sophia (otherwise known as produce) are charming and delightful and it was a treat to spend that much time with them. Six adults in one house and nobody punched anyone out. Great meals from the best sister-in-law around. But the real unsung hero of the visit was Elliot who made the major sacrifice of staying in the basement the entire time we were there. Everyone in the family extolled his virtues and did their best to convince me that Elliot was really harmless but after being around 65 years I know my limitations and one of them is the inability to live with the likes of Elliot.

So without even meeting you, I thank you again, Elliot for making my visit possible. You are a true blue guy, ur, cat.

A rambling rant

I have absolutely nothing to say, but if I write here than I can give myself permission to not work on the memoir today; I really dislike the rewrite and editing part and of course this requires neither.
I am still pondering my assignment for this coming Sunday's planning session, but I suppose if I had enough faith I would just count on the spirit guiding me. Somehow, I think I have to spend time preparing anyway. The arrogance of human pride! What concerns me is that I think Barb is hoping I can pull off something I'm not sure anyone could pull off. But I think I've reached the point in life that I either will or will not please her and it will work out as it does; I don't feel that I will have let her down either way. I still struggle with that female disease "need to please" but not nearly to the extent that I used to.
I am even more concerned with finishing this project of revising trust/will business so that all is in order. I am tired of dwelling on it and I always get antsy with things hanging when I am getting ready for a trip.
Another item weighing on the mind is the curseed holidays...look out, here comes the grinch in me! I hate the pressure it puts on the kids and all that travel for them (i spend the whole time worrying about them on the road!). I do not want any gifts....I spend too much time shopping for myself..I have no room for anything more...and I certainly don't want anything with calories. If there is any family our there wondering what to get me the answer is easy....family pictures, fresh flowers, a CD of my granddaughters singing, liposuction,,,you get the idea.
Why does Christmas have to be such an ordeal? We are buying into the consumer mentality; I feel so pressured to like all the hoopla. It's even hard to enjoy the gift giving to grandkids who already have so much and do we really want to reinforce the greed thing?
Every year about this time I start thinking how could we do Christmas differently? What would be a meaningful way to celebrate life and the days beginning to grow longer? I have never come up with anything that could buck the force of the culture.
Well, I have vented on enough subjects for one day and managed to avoid my real work for a while. Mission accomplished!

In Honor of A Birthday

When asked what I believe to be
my greatest task that could be praised,
I never hesitate or ponder:
without a doubt, the men I raised.

Grown men, no more my boys,
share so many traits I treasure.
Claiming a little of the credit
is one of my life pleasures.

So with a mother's pride
I will tell you what I see
when these handsome men
stop and visit with me.

So many traits they share:
they are thoughtful and kind
with a great sense of humor
that comes from a bright mind.

As husbands they appear to be
partners with love and loyalty.
Feminists both, no surprise,
treat their wives like royalty.

Patient and playful with kids,
still in touch with their game.
Erich's already a great dad;
soon Carl will prove the same.

Loving, smart, gentle men.
A mother's pride and joy.
Love each other always;
you'll always be my boys.



HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ERICH!

Energy

The single most important change in my life has been the gradually disappearing force of energy available to me to do all that I want to do. I can't tell if it is the PD or just aging or probably a combination of things (can't forget the effects of 6 months of chemo). My latest challenge is really bringing this home to me.

A week from Sunday I am going to lead a group from our church in a planning session. Should be a piece a cake for me, right? It's what I did for a living for years with all types of groups. But it takes a lot of energy. And this time it will especially.

In planning for this Barb and I realized that the "takeaway" we want/need from this half day session is a renewal of passion, energy and commitment from those there. Our problem is a lack of willingness to commit to leadership and a lack of enthusiasm for change. But we are bucking the trend for mainline protestant churches because we are growing. That means changing needs for programming and a "revival" of sense of mission.

I am writing about this because it is taking up such a huge space in my mind and by sharing it with others I am hoping the spirit will help me find the energy and the intended path to help me guide this process. So I need your response to this.....how do I facilitate this renewal of passion for our church?

Happy Birthday, Heather!

Today is Heather's birthday, which prompts me to count my blessings in the daughter-in-law department. I am blessed.
The first thing I think of that I like about Heather is the fact that she loves my son and he has been a happier person for that relationship. That would be enough, but there is more.
Heather is bright, serious about her work, determined to achieve her goals, and yet is not pushy. She works hard (sometimes too hard) at whatever she is doing. She is talented, witness the jewelry she makes and the food she cooks. She definitely is a feminist, but one with a domestic side.
And did I mention she is beautiful? I've watched her with the granddaughters and she has a way with children too. I am sure she'll be a wonderful mom when the time is right.
I am happy to have her part of my family....Happy Birthday with love from Char.

Memoirs

I've finally done it. I am back to updating, re-writing, editing my memoirs that I started 6 years ago. I still haven't decided who gets to see them. My initial intent was to write them for my sons so that once I'm gone they will know who I was as a person, not just their Mom. I think we're getting to that point as fellow adults and that purpose may be outdated. (I'd be interested in feedback on that, guys).

I realize now that I have a great deal of re-writing to do, but for the first time I'm really excited about doing that. I'm not sure that it isn't just a little bit narcissistic but I've been accused of worse things!

The hardest thing for me is to incorporate what lessons I've learned and to tell my story without making others the "bad guys". The best way I know how to do that is to write i t as if everyone in the story will be reading it. I think the final product will be more balanced if I do that (or am I just afraid I might make somebody angry?)

And then there are some things that are better left unsaid. I will try to honor that. And it's not that I think my story is so unusual or interesting. It is important that if it is to serve the purpose I stated then it must be truthful.

I can't think of a better exercise in self-knowledge. I know I am learning a lot in the process; whether I'll be able to pass on what I've learned and that will be helpful to someone....?

My Parkinson's OC behavior

My Parkinson's doctor warned me that one of the meds I take could lead to obsessive compulsive behavior especially involving money or gambling. Well, folks, I think I am heading down that road. And it's so easy with t he internet!

But I only shop sales, mind you, even on the internet I don't pay full price. I don't want to tell you what my internet credit card b ill was last month. A good deal of it is the fact that I have to have clothes that fit and that is much easier than losing weight!!

But I knew I was in trouble when I found myself at the Lexus site yesterday. Now, my Avalon is only a little over a year old, had 11,000 miles on it and is a lovely car. Not only was I betraying my Avalon, I was looking at the RX 350 which is a sport utility vehicle. My sons would disown me! Fortunately I don't think you can actually buy it on line so I pulled myself back to reality with no harm done.

Can't you just see UPS dropping that one off?

The Wedding

Sometimes an event happens that brings out the best in everyone involved. Usually when you hear about that it is some horrible accident or storm, etc. This time it was a wedding that was so relaxed and joyful that I will treasure the memory of it.

Maybe there is something to be said for the order people follow these days...the living together and then the marriage. Steve and Robin have been living together for some while now and recently bought a house that is typical Chicago north side; three flours, litttle back yard that has three levels, one of t hem being a sun deck on the roof of the garage. Beautifully done baths and kitchen, hardwood floors, etc.

They wanted a small wedding at home, so they invited parents only. Now on Steve's side that means his Mom, Dad and Dad's three wives (two ex of course) and then Robin's parents. Barb (our pastor) and her husband made it 10 of us. All three Mrs. Dybedocks were warm and friendly and at hugging stage before the wine! After a tour of the house and munchies, the bride who had been in her levi's slipped upstairs to put on a dress and heels (no make up or fancy hairdo) and the groom put on h is tie and jacket while the rest of us settled down in the lower level garden/arbor where the ceremony was to take place. Many cameras present. Almost as many as parents.

Robin's dad walked her down the stairs and Barb started the ceremony. Maybe 10 minutes at the most and not very many dry eyes in the crowd, including the bride and groom. Then as with any wedding came the orgy of picture taking, multiple group poses; every combination of those present.

After a champagne toast and a few present openings we all went to one of their favorite restaurants where our table was reserved outdoors in the garden. Did I mention that the weather was perfect? Minor tension when it came to who was to sit where but Robin and Steve sat across from each other and Steve wanted me next to him which was very neat. Robin's mom Patsy was across from me and she is every bit as neat as Robin; felt like I had known her for ages.

We then had a wonderful meal, multiple bottles of wine, beautifully prepared and presented main courses and a decadent super chocolate dessert that Sandra had brought from a bakery in the neighborhood in place of a wedding cake.

When we all parted at the restaurant there was much hugging again between all parties.

It was a magical event that was full of love from everyone; we all knew that our kid had made a great choice and was obviously happy beyond belief.

Howard was a little tense going into it...who wouldn't be with a current and two ex wives there and he did the driving. He handled it all beautifully. I was a little apprehensive, but from the moment we arrived it was clear that we were experiencing something special.

Happy Birthday Amelia

3 blogs in one day...a record for me, but I couldn't let Sept. 21 go by without honoring my joyous granddaughter.

6 today, going on 16, Amelia is beautiful, inside and out. The first thing you notice are the dimples but if you spend any time with her you also discover how thoughtful she is.
She is an interesting combination of her parents; sociable, ready for a party anytime, she also has a quiet side that frequently comes up with wonderful questions.

She leaves Nana messages on the phone that sound like she is twice her age. And she says "I love you" a lot. She has been the princess for her first four years but has graciously shared the throne with little sister Greta. In fact, most of the time she is a patient and loving big sister.

She makes me smile inside every day, even when I don't get to see her often. Happy Birthday, Mia dear. Hugs and Kisses.

Revised rules for marriage

I decided I was much too serious in my last blog (that was not my original intent) so here are the revised "Top Ten" rules for marriage.

10. Don't bicker in public; for that matter don't smooch in public either.

9. Personal emissions should always be done in private. (and don't leave the door open)

8. You know that rule "whoever uses it put it away"; ignore that if you are male.

7. Don't go to bed angry; just stay up all night and fight

6. Friends are welcome anytime; relatives must make appointments

5. Whoever cooks, the other cleans up. This ensures much dining out.

4. Don't put the potato chip bag away with only 3 chips left.

3. Never start a conversation about money when you are expecting company

2. Say "I'm sorry" often even if you aren't really

And the number one rule:

1. Don't watch "Everyone Loves Raymond"...you'll never get married!

Top Ten Rules for Marriage

Steve and Robin are getting married this Saturday and I thought I would share with them my top ten rules for marriage. (You think I didn't learn anything just because I wasn't good at it? We learn more from failure sometimes than from success).

Anyway this is a work in progress (Saturday morning is deadline) and I welcome your input all you married people out there. Anything you would add?


Charlene's Top Ten Rules for Marriage

10. Don't belittle each other in public

9. Never say a critical word about the other's relatives

8. Share the work of maintaining a home

7. Plan fun things to do together that meet both person's needs

6. Allow each other private alone time

5. It helps if you share the same goals in life

4. When there are problems, you both need to work on them; it is never just one person's.

3. Don't expect the other person to make you happy; only you can do that

2. Be willing to work on your own personal growth

And the number one rule of marriage:

1. Be each other's best friend always.

DISCLAIMER: The above in no way reflects on former husbands; I take full responsibility for determining any and all statements as they apply to my own behavior, although my guess is that said formers after years of reflection may agree with most of the list.

Signals

My body is smarter than my brain and I had gotten out of the habit 0f listening to it,, but yesterday I could not ignore. (if you didn't read yesterday's blog do so now).

After being up for a f ew hours I collapsed. Crawled back to bed, couldn't drag myself anywhere, Immediately called Darlene and cancelled out on lunch. I spent the day sleeping on and off. Felt pretty normal by dinner time.

The message came thru pretty clearly. I do NOT want to be on that board. I do NOT want the label of disabled. I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Sam-I-Am!

So, today I will make the phone call and say no thank you. Oh, and I didn't make my Kiwanis peanut sales calls either and I am not going to.....I am retired, people!

Options

Today I am having lunch with a group from the agency called Options. They represent, advocate for and provide services to people with disabilities. They are required by their funding sources to have 51% of their board members be persons with disabilities. They are wooing me to serve on their board BECAUSE I AM DISABLED!

I want to say no for so many reasons. One, I don't think I am disabled yet. Two, I have just left the KC-CASA board because I am trying to cut back on all these obligations. Three, I won't be an active board member because I am gone 3 months and I am tired of all that stuff anyway. Four, it means more meetings and surely, Lord, I have sat through enough meetings in my years so far.

And I will probably say yes for two simple reasons. One, besides being Nana, I believe this is my mission in life: to use my skills to help others know how a board should function. Lord knows I am experienced and I do enjoy mentoring younger women in leadership positions. And secondly is the clincher. Dotty's sister Darlene asked me. She is on the board (has MS) and they are in a pinch on their 51% quota. I like Darlene a lot.

Besides, can you think of anything better than being a part of Options?
Tell me I'm crazy, but do it before this noon. By then I will probably cave in.

Time flies

Once September arrives in splendor the days
start swirling, sliding by too fast.
The calendar squares fill up and overflow the lines;
time speeds up and becomes the past.


Autumn days should walk a slower pace,
gliding by in brilliant blue sky;
Showering us with their clarity and grace;
relishing every cardinal cry.


Surely for beauty no season can match these days;
Why then can't I make them last?
But fly by they do, at autobahn speeds,
Racing from winter's blast.

sleepless in kankakee

Carl, did you try testing your spell casting powers? I swear I am having the same night you blogged about. Awake every hour; dreams waking me with my heart racing (mine featured snarling huge dogs coming after me). I finally gave in and, like a homing pigeon went straight to my beloved Dell.
Have I told you about my Dell? She is always there for me. She allows me to shop for anything anytime (this E shopping borders on the obsessive behavior my PD doc warned me about but I restrain myself). She connects me to friends and family all over the country. She educates me . She makes up for my unreadable handwriting. She feeds my mind numbing solitaire habit. She allows me to have conversations with authors and columnists who respond to my mail immediately (amazing). She indulges my fetish for listmaking. She encourages my feeble attempts at writing poetry. She saves me hundreds of telephone calls when I am responsible for notifying people of a meeting. She pays my bills! AND she is wide awake at 3 am! What a friend. I cannot remember life bc (before computer).

PS... For those who might be interested, I put aside the cane yesterday and once again am walking unassisted. The knee seems to be improving every day. Can't wait until I can really walk off calories.

Feedback

My guru, Oprah, always says she has discovered people really need basically two things; to be loved and to be listened to. There may be a few things I would add to that but that's another blog.

Getting a response from many of you on my last blog brought the message home to me. I am definitely one of those people who needs feedback to know I have been heard (or read, whatever).

It's not enough for me to get my thoughts down or express myself creatively...I want to know what other's reactions are. Anyone else feel the same? By the very act of writing I am asking for
readers and what they think. I know that professional writers feel that way. Several times I have emailed an author or Tribune columnist and immediately receive a reply from them.

Another topic, but related: yesterday I received one of those "jokes" that get mailed around to dozens of people at a time. This was from a friend who usually sends religious messages as he is a born again fundamentalist Christian. So I read it. It was a vile racist piece about Hindus and the spot women wear on their foreheads. It was demeaning and insulting. I think my friend forgot the story of the Good Samaritan; so I wrote him a note that I was offended and didn't think my Hindu friends would find it funny. Do you think I'll hear back from him? I am eager to see if I get feedback on that communication (he is our insurance agent and does a fair piece of business with us!)

Anyway, thanks for the feedback folks. I needed that!

All alone in blogsville

I gotta tell you...it's beginning to feel lonesome out here.

Every morning I check the family blog sites and the new entries are far and few between. Oh, the talented niece checks in pretty regularly, but the rest of you aren't even responding to my posts, let alone keep me posted on your exciting lives. I guess that's it...your lives are so exciting and busy you don't have time to post.

On the other hand, old gimpy here has the time but no excitement whatever. Not that I am playing for sympathy...I wouldn't ever do that, right?

Let's see...I am going for a haircut today; will even try some errands even though the doctor
thinks I should be sitting around with my leg elevated.....boooooring! I am now on my third book for the week.

Now see folks...I have managed a new post without saying anything of import at all...you could do that too! (at least I spared you any poetry!)

Quietly

The dark lingers longer
like a curtain half shut the view is partial.
The cicadas left still sing their song,
but quietly, quietly.

No matter, I wake at 3 or 4
And my time in darkness,
moniter reflecting words,
stretches, stretches.

Pre-parent I was night owl
just now tumbling into bed.
Now hours before the sun
Crawling, crawling out.

The biggest draw of dark?
The silence that embraces
aloneness in purest form.
So quietly, so quietly.

The Knee

I am sick of talking about this knee, but today it had a starring role and I would feel guilty about not giving it it's 15 minutes of fame. We've been leading up to this for at least 3 months; every single day of those three months it has been living on Tylonol and it certainly has earned the right to have it's ordeal immortalized here.
Yes, today was surgery day and a long day at that. I was supposed to report in at noon for 2 pm surgery but got call in the am that surgery was moved up to 11, so I needed to be there by 9. That required a shift in limo service as Dotty was in meetings until 10.30, thankfully Howard and Sue came to the rescue and took the first shift of staying with me. By 10 they had me in the staging area where one is lying alone without benefit of drugs watching people running from one room to another all in maske and hair nets, etc. They finally came for me around 11 and i woke up about 12.thankfully had no sideeffects from anesthesia; just hungery and thirsty.

I will spare any more details except to say that the doctor thought from the MRI months ago that it was a small tear and he was wrong, It was much larger explaining the daily pain, I get to take off bandage and icc pack Sunday morning and will hopefully dump the walker for a cane then too,

And if all goes well, i promise to shut up about this blasted knee!

Amelia's first day in 1st grade

This was the message on my voicemail:


"Um, Nana, I had a good day at school, but I cried a little; then it was gym class, but I didn't know about gym and I wore tappy shoes!
So we went to gym; the weather was sunny and hot. We count the days on the calendar; we have one day in school. We had recess, we had lunch, we had a snack. And we did some work stuff.
I hope your knee feels better. I'm sorry your knee is hurt. I hope the hospital will take care of it goodly. Goodbye, I love you"

Priceless.

Chain emails

I don't want anyone to take this personally, but I don't send on "chain" emails. I didn't send on chain letters either in the old days. I was prompted to write about this because I received one from my sister-in-law, whom I love dearly, but she will not receive it back from me. And it wasn't that I disagreed with the sentiments expressed...they were right on....so this is my attempt to figure out why I will not respond to them.
I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I don't pass them on primarily because they tell me I have to pass them on, and usually the number is specific and I must include the sender so she/he knows she/he is loved. Well, there's a problem right there. If I want someone to know I love them I am going to say it directly in my own words; I am going to tell them in person or on the phone.
I have always harbored the thought that a little bit of the rebel of my youth lives on and only gets to express herself in small ways...this is one of them.
And then there are those mass emails that present a political message or an attack on a whole catagory of people and those usually manage to offend me; I can't imagine giving them continued exposure.
Or the religious ones that do not express my thoughts, and besides I believe we are all free to believe whatever gets us thru the night.
Now I do admit that with the humorous ones I have been known t o pass on to some specific friends, because if it is genuinely funny (and even that is a matter of individual taste) we can all use more humor in our lives.
I think that is enought on that subject. And by the way, Patty, I love you and I agree, "Carpe Diem".

Labor Day

No other holiday is such a demarcation line in my life. Labor Day is the big one. End of summer, but most importantly, the beginning of school. (Yes, I know that that is not true everywhere now).For years and years of my life as a child, teenager, young adult, mother the first Monday in September was the real start of the year.

`Tomorrow Amelia Ruth Hertz starts first grade in Delmar, New York. By all accounts she is not as excited as her Nana was 60 years ago. ( What a different world that was 60 years ago! ) But some things don't change. Shopping for school supplies from the teacher' s list, hoping she asked for the 64 box of Crayolas (and she usually only wanted us to get the 24), #2 pencils, of course, the three ring binder, the pencil box. the big fat pink erasure (very important). And of course,what should that special outfit be for the first day, because even at that age we sensed how important that first impression would be, and, besides, it was an important event! Although, I think the significance of that outfit went unnoticed by the boys.
`
`School was my refuge, my joy, my place to shine, my door to other worlds and finally my escape from the lifestyle of my family and literally from my family. It was the place I wanted to be instead of home. It was the path to picking a family that I liked and wanted to be a part of.

After three years as the teacher, not the student, I finally realized I wanted out of the classroom. But that didn't change my attitude about September. It is the beginning of a new year, a new season, the end of that special quality of summer nights still.
It is a fresh start in a new space wearing a new outfit. It is the hope of making new friends, the joy of reading, and an entry into the big world where you can try out being different yous.
It has been the ladder up for generations of immigrants, the one true escape from a life of poverty, racism, sexism; whatever way the culture tries to limit you.

And all of that starts with a new box of Crayolas; I can smell them now. Lord, I love September!

Eat, pray,love

I have been reading a book given to me by a young friend who must be wise beyond her years. The book is part memoir, part travelogue, part faith journey. Eat,Pray,Love by Elizabeth
Gilbert. I am not quite finished with it but I want to read it again already. There is so much of it I want to share. Here is one example.

"As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul; even one puff of it is bad for you. I mean, what kind of prayer is this to imbibe-"Give us this day our daily grudge"? You might just as well hang it up and kiss God goodbye if you really need to keep blaming somebody else for your own life's limitations......I realized I'd been thinking about all this too literally. I'd been wanting to talk to my ex-husband ? So talk to him. Talk to him right now. I'd been waiting to be offered forgiveness? Offer it up personally then. Right now. I thought how many people go to their graves unforgiven and unforgiving. I thought of how many people have had siblings or friends or children or lovers disappear from their lives before precious words of clemency or absolution could be passed along. How do the survivors of terminated relationships ever endure the pain of unfinished business? From that place of meditation I found the answer- you can finish the business yourself, from within yourself. It's not only possible, it's essential."

Another of my favorites:

"The Hopi Indians thought that the world's religions each contained one spiritual thread, and that these threads are always seeking each other, wanting to join. When all the threads are finally woven together they will form a rope that will pull us out of this dark cycle of history and into the next realm."


I know these bits don't do the book justice. I am just loving it so much I had to share part of it with someone; another overwhelming urge...to share what is meaningful to us. Which can get us in trouble too!

Thank you so much, Sara!! Peace be with you.

The Garden

The garden weeps from neglect
Untended, drooping, alone.
I pay no mind
To the weeds, overgrown
Or wild strawberry choking all.

It's not for lack of love or money
or time..I have them all to spare.
I've even tried ten minutes
or so here and there.
A pitifull effort to tame nature.

Now it bends, falls, dying
As a reminder of my age,
my energy, my disability.
Paying my sins' wage:
(tired saying it)Parkinsons.

It has become my story
A statement of ineptitude
for all that I once could do.
The worst? A negative attitude
And a garden that reflects me.

OUT OF ORDER

How many has it been?

Four or forty days of rain,

Heavy steady drumming dampness.

At this rate mold will rule the world.

(Pale faces peer out but briefly

looking for a break to mow.)


Wild lawns, lush green growth

Replace the August browning.

Thriving weeds gain new life,

Plotting overthrow, overgrow.

(Asters already blooming too

soon for autumn's dance.)


This is not how we know August,

Patterns are upside, downside.

Soggy fields, sad sad farmers,

Where there should be dust.

(How can we trust a world

so confused, out of order?)

Ethical will 5: The example is the thing

One of life's truths that I keep forgetting and relearning is the power of our lives as examples of behavior as opposed to what we say. Bad sentence. Let me start again.

What we do speaks much louder to those around us than what we say. Trite, you say. Yes, it's been said many ways and you've heard it over and over again. We teach by example, especially when it comes to our children. But this applies to all our relationships. We let people know how they can treat us by how we behave in response to them.

It is more apparent when it comes to raising children. We know that they learn about much that is important in life by watching what we do. They learn how to treat others who look different than us. They learn whether or not it is important to tell the truth. They learn what is more important...stuff or people. They learn how to manipulate us and others to get their way. They learn what the boundaries of acceptable behavior are and usually push and test us all the way. And when our verbal directions to them don't jibe with our own behavior they learn to disregard what we say.

Happens to all of us who are parents. The person whose integrity is so spotless that their words and actions always match is a paragon and those don't really exist.

I think it's harder for us to realize that we teach the people in our lives what we will accept in a relationship more by our behavior than by our words too. We are always sending signals about how much we will accept from someone else and how much we will give.
It's not what you say that counts; it's what you do. Words are cheap. Action speaks louder than words.

We've heard all the cliches, but I'm betting we haven't looked at our own behavior very often and applied that truth. Think back to a relationship that went sour and ask yourself if you behaved the way you said you wanted the other person to behave.

I know; I said I have to keep relearning this!

Let's have everyone play!

Do you think we can broaden this thing out people? There are family members that are not participating in the great blog share-a-long and I'd really like to have their input. You know who you are.
I really think this kind of sharing brings us together more as a family when we are separated by miles. We don't have to give our blog address to any one else if we don't want to, so it's not like you're telling the world.
It reminds me of a circle letter that everyone adds something to and mails on to the next one, but instead we all share something about ourselves or our recent events with everyone else in the family.
So come on slackers...lets join the party!

Partings

It's 1:45 in the afternoon, raining as it has been for three days, and I walk back into a silent house. Usually I relish the silence and go out of my way to maintain it. Today it is an absence rather than a presence because Tricia and Amelia have just left to begin their journey home to New York.

The house has been filled with Mia's laughter and joy playing with Keto, who now needs about a three day nap. And filled with people, of course, all drawn by the pleasure of being with Tricia and Amelia.

I know every grandparent is biased but Amelia is a sunny, well behaved, bright, engaging little girl that is beautiful to look at and listen to, especially when she makes up songs. I can't imagine why I am so blessed to be her Nana.

And to top it off I struck it rich in the daughter-in-law game.(twice) If anything I get frustrated at not having enough adult time with Tricia because I'm sure we could spend three days just talking, and we have to make do with little snatches of time when no one else is around. I want so much to make her problems easier and her life more joyous and guilt free.

Thank you, my son, for the good choice you made in a life partner and the beautiful little souls you created between you. I hope I see you all soon.

Changes

There is just a glimmer of autumn in the air
A hint of things to come.
Two or three leaves drifting down from the
tree outside my window.

The clarity of air sets every leaf shining,
sun dappled, somehow sweet.
Fall insects out in force, bees busy as bees
Lady bugs at the door.

And beautiful bittersweet September looms
over the last dog days.
The calendar swallows days whole,
Lazy days no more.

I embrace the change, the fall approaching
even though the seasons speed
Rushing toward earth's icey days
As my own winter nears.

Everything's changed

It seems dramatic, I know, but since MaryJo's death everything has changed.

Perhaps it was the first time I have experienced the death of a contemporary that I felt so close to. Or maybe it was the realization, too late, that she was such an important part of my life. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we (book club) are have been together so long and are so close without really expressing that feeling; being so close means that we each know how many of our friends are feeling the loss too.

Whatever the reason I am aware that there is a very large number of people out there who mean a great deal to me and I don't want to wait until their funeral and tell their families that without having let them know. Not that I want to get all mushy or sentimental or overly friendly to the point of discomforting people. I need to find a way, though to say "you are an important part of my life, you mean a great deal to me", even " I love you" to the dozens of friends that I don't see everyday.

Last night when we went to the Hospice Business After Hours it was such a joy to see so many people that I know and care for and to receive s o many hugs. I haven't felt that way about socializing in a long time. I thought I would never feel that way again. I have been crawling into my introverted Parkison shell that the doctors warn about.

And that has all changed. For now at least. Another gift MaryJo left behind.

Sleepless again

I realize I've blogged about this before. Then I was looking for suggestions. Now I think I am just resigned to getting 5 to 6 hours of sleep at most. There are a lot worse things I could be dealing with. Besides, there is something almost furtive about blogging at the hour; it's as if I am a Santa of the Word, leaving little notes on your computer in the middle of the night.

Part of my inability to go back to sleep is Keto's fault. He has the dry itchies and keeps waking up scratching. And, yes, he does sleep with me and, yes, I am a light sleeper so I get what I deserve, right?

And then there is all this travel by my kids right now. Carl and Heather flying to SF last night, Tricia and Amelia flying here in the am, Larry in Chicago, Steve and Robin coming Sunday; it takes a lot of mother-energy to get all those people where they are going safely.

Another blessing...Park and Shar are coming to spend the night so today I am on a wine hunt for the particular cabernet they like. And I am having lunch with old friend Ab Potter whom I have not seen in few years. When I think of all those people that I love I realize how rich my life is. No wonder I can't sleep; I am too busy counting my blessings.

Neihbur was right; the only prayer necessary is 'thank you".

Missing in Action

I haven't been blogging because I was in Michigan with friends. Friends who must rely on (shutter!) dial up service. I did check email (I am an addict, after all) but my patience was used up on that. Using dial up is akin to practicing zen buddhism.....you do a lot of staring into space, hands in lap, being in the present, waiting, and waiting.
They live in the woods and that means dsl is unavailable and wireless is impossible. They are also lucky to get one bar on the cell phone. I love visiting there but could never live in such a technilogically remote place.
Ah, but the weather was 10 degrees cooler, the restaurants were wonderful and I have had my August allotment of wine already. In other words, we had a great time.
Now it's back to the projects on my desk and doctor's appointments. I am hoping to find out the deal on knee surgery today, which will let me plan ahead on things that have been on hold.

MaryJo

Mary Jo is part of my book club. As a group we have been together over 30 years. When I moved to Kankakee in '74 it took me several years to find other women like me (smart, irreverent, readers,etc). I must have joined book club in '76 and have planned my schedule around the second Thursday ever since.
Members have come and gone. Some have moved away, retired or not. A few have had to move because of their husband's job. The new members that replaced them came first as guests, getting a very informal unspoken ok to join from all the group so we have stayed at about 12-14 members for all this time.
Lots of us were teachers or former teachers (especially English teachers) and within the group is the subset of those who worked together in the Kankakee school system. Mary Jo is one of those; she finished her career as the #2 in administration.
MaryJo is the most vociferous reader of the group; we always marvel at the amount of reading she does. She is the expert on all that is happening in the literary world and we always want to read her selections.
Since she retired she has been the guiding force of the Friends of the Library on almost a full time schedule; she has been responsible for bringing well known authors to Kankakee and helping to put the new library in the center of life here.
Like most of us in book club she is a doting grandma...we have gone thru so many stages of life together. Raising little ones, struggling with teenagers, losing our own parents, going thru the "change", becoming grandmothers, retirement, major and minor illness. Of course we talk about the book! And so much more. We are, most of us, very good talkers and would never run out of topics.
MaryJo has been so vital to that process, being the reader and the talker she has been.

Now she lies in ICU still with tubes everywhere in a coma. The doctors say the stroke she had a week ago did massive damage to her brain. If she were to come out of the coma she would have no comprehension, could not speak, could not read, could not understand or recognize anyone. She left a living will....she would not want that existence.
I cannot imagine book club without her. Until now, I hadn't realized how much I cared about her. I wished I had told her that before last Saturday.

Never take for granted

A few of the things I want to never take for granted:

Hearing the birds in the morning/being able to get out of bed.

Taking a shower and feeling fresh to start a new day.

Getting a phone call from my granddaughters

Snuggling on the couch with my dog right after he's been to the groomer.

Laughing with friends at Jon Stewart every evening.

Fresh produce from the farmer's market.

Diving into a really good novel/having the time to read all day.

Talking to my sons on the phone about serious things/ silly things.

Getting a real hug that says I love you from a friend.

Happy Birthday!

Today is my brother's birthday. My only brother. My only family (except our kids, of course).
For those who don't know him......

My brother is very gifted; he can do anything he decides to do. He created an entire suite in his basement from scratch, doing all the framing, drywall, electrical, plumbing, and hvac. He is an artist who works primarily with photography. He is a model railroader who uses his artistic ability to create an entire miniature world. He is a preacher who prepares himself mentally for days.

He is the grandfather of four doting little girls and the father of two delightful daughters and is married to the best sister-in-law anyone could ask for; and all those females add up to his own beloved fan club.

He has a joyous sense of humor, sometimes a little repetitive, but always infectious. He can charm the socks off anyone if he decides to. And when it comes to dominoes he is THE gamemaster.

He is a man of deep faith who works hard at living what he believes. He doesn't always do what is best for his health and that worries those who love him.

He is becoming a good golfer. He is one of the best drivers I have ever ridden with. He can be very very stubborn.

I am so grateful that he is my brother and friend. I love him very much. Happy Birthday,
Richard.

Perspective

Standing over my friend in ICU with tubes everywhere possible in a drug induced coma, I decided that my painful knee was of little consequence. It was extremely painful to see her like that.
Kay Beguhn is here staying with me in order to see MaryJo and we both decided we shouldn't even be allowed to go in to see her. Her blood pressure went up and she appeared agitated so we felt she could hear us and wanted to respond and couldn't. She really needs to be left alone and yet everyone's inclined to rush over there and visit.
It's also driving me crazy that she is not getting good doctoring, but she is in no shape to move to Chicago. A major problem. And it makes me so aware that there are plenty of emergency medical situations that can happen to any of us here where the quality of doctoring leaves something to be desired. Another of those biggies you can't control. There aren't even the doctors here that would enable one to get a second opinion. Would she have made it in a copter for surgery in Chicago? Who knows.
I know if I am in any kind of serious medical emergency and I am stable enough to move I want that plane ride to Chicago!

Transition: part two

I realized this weekend that I am not only transitioning from one part of my life to another, but I am in transition about who I am as a person and how I relate to the world out there.

For most of my adult life I have had positions of authority and the power that goes with t hose positions. In fact, if asked to describe myself I would have used those titles and positions as part of defining who I was. The key word is power; I am used to having power and having people follow my leadership. That is part of my big change now.

I am becoming more and more a product of my age and Parkinson's. I tire easily. I move slowly. I nap. I frequently chose to stay home rather than go out to social events. I don't care about leading anyone, even though I am still asked. But (this is a big word) I am still feeling like I am giving up something, withdrawing from a powerful (no pun intended) drug. And withdrawal is no fun. It is difficult and sometimes painful. And I was feeling sorry for myself until yesterday when I found out that MaryJo had a stroke and is in ICU after emergency brain surgery. Lord knows what adjustments she will have to make.

I have a few friends who are blessed with good health and it seems to be mostly genetic. And then there are the rest of us. At my last visit to PD doctor they took blood as they are getting DNA on all PD patients to test the genetic theory on that too.

So, back to my point. This is not just a transition but a giving up more and more for a very different life style. And at least I feel better realizing what my withdrawal is all about.

Ethical will 4: Listening

OK, boys and girls, time to get back to our lessons. One of the best gifts you can give yourself is a highly developed skill that is rarely found among others...the ability to actively listen.

I'm sure you've heard the expression "you can't learn anything when your mouth is in gear" or something to that effect. If you can focus on who or what you are listening to instead of your internal chatter you will live a much more interesting life.

For example, try listening to the morning sounds outdoors instead of the news and weather...much more interesting. Listen to little children at play...chances are you'll learn a lot about their environment and even your own behavior if they are your children.

Try no tv, radio, music for a week and listen to silence. The odds are you will better know what you are feeling, thinking about the current issues in your life.

But the most important listening is to others. If we listen to what others are saying with our full attention (not thinking what we want to say next) our relationship with that person will improve 100%. Really. The two things we all want most out of life is to be loved and to be listened to. Active listening is a skill that gets better with practice. There are books written about it (I can't remember any off hand, so google it).

And it is critical if you love someone and live with them. Let them know after you've listened that you heard what they said. I know. It sounds very simplistic and trite.
Some of life's lessons are just that, but that doesn't mean they aren't true.

And another thing...

I'm curious; how do people write memoirs or autobiographies and re-create whole conversations? Does anybody out there have that kind of memory? I can't remember conversations from a week ago. I'm lucky to remember circumstances, major events, places, sometimes feelings, but conversation?
One of the reasons I put off going back to the memoir; I feel it needs the punch and specificity of conversation...is it fair to just make it up? Does anyone out there (besides Noel, of course) remember he said, she said conversations?

It's Official

Well, there is no way to deny it...my latest addiction is this computer and all that goes with it.
There is no question that I am an addictive personality. My Parkinson's doctor warned me of obsessive/compulsive behavior, especially gambling. I think I'm leaning toward internet shopping instead of gambling. But the addiction is for sure, joining chocolate and books in that order.

If it isn't spider solitaire, it's cruising YouTube, checking family blogs multiple times daily, reading the local paper (I refuse to subscribe anymore, but one must read the obits), researching books and checking email everytime I sit down at the desk. I would hate to add up the amount of time I spend here.

I still leave the laptop at home on short trips so I don't think I've gone over the line yet!

Sharing the past

After just reading Cillic's latest entry I am seriously considering destroying the memoirs I have written rather than sharing them. I guess we can't help but think were was I when things were that bad for you?

And is anyone really interested in my past? What could it possibly mean to anyone else, except for sharing the lessons I've learned? And I'm not so sure we can learn from other people's experience. Most of the meaningful lessons we need to learn from our own experience, the hard way. Maybe the best we can do is share notes which might help a little on the final exam.

I love to read biographies because I feel I get to know someone interesting that I wouldn't have known otherwise. So the value of a memoir was, I gues, is in letting others know the you that you have hidden. Maybe that's not a good idea!

Ethicall will #3..Servanthood

This is an extremely difficult subject for a feminist to tackle, but I am going to try to sort out what I mean and why it is important, because I do believe the best life is to be found in serving others.

As a feminist my thought process was always "damn if I am going to take the servant role; that's been the problem for women forever. It's time to stand up for me and let my needs come first for a change!" And there is a legitimate need to take care of yourself and tend to your own needs. But the primary reason that it is important is so that you have the ability to nourish others. It is not a goal in itself but rather a means to achieve a more important goal.

There is no question in my mind that the good life is in serving others. We know that as a mother and grandmother and even sometimes as a wife! Admit it...isn't it more fun to give gifts than to receive them? I have always liked Scott Peck's definition of love, "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." Nothing to do with emotions or feelings.

In fact, the real challenge of putting others first is to do so when you don't feel loving. And it's easier to love those we like or those who think like us or those we choose to spend out time with because they make us feel good or make us laugh. But that's not the heart of serving others.
The real test is treating those we don't particularly like with the same extending of one's self, the same nuturing of that other's spirit.

And for me that is what is important about being part of a church community.I can be sure that there will be those for whom I do not feel loving or particularly like but as a community of faith I am committed to encouraging that person's growth as well as my own.

Get a Second Opinion

Sometime back Dotty had a weird headache; went to the local doctor and had the usual battery of tests including MRI. The diagnosis was that she had experienced a stroke. He said it affected the area that governs emotions and did she feel she experienced any unusual emotional swings?
She decided that maybe she was crying more than usual and laughing improperly. My unsolicited opinion was that it was baloney...she showed no symptoms of a stroke and maybe the doctor was mistaken.
Scared the you know what out of her. And the doctor said take an aspirin a day (no joke) and don't worry about it.

Always get a second opinion on any serious diagnosis! Especially when we have all these excellent teaching hospitals in Chicago. Yesterday she finally had her appointment with the neurologist specializing in strokes at Rush and guess what? She did not have a stroke. The doc there said what showed up on the MRI was sometimes mis read by an over zealous radiologist as a stroke but it was something entirely normal and no harm done (I've forgotten the medical term Dotty told me over the phone). In other words, the Riverside radiologist mistakenly diagnosed a stroke. Imagine.

And just recently she was turned down for long term care policy because she had a stroke.Hopefully she can correct the record and apply again, but once something is on your record that isn't easy.

The moral is simple; get a second opinion and ask that something serious not be put on your record until that opinion is solicited.

Back to the knee

I have had the last of those crazy (oil from a rooster's comb, I kid you not) injections and I don't go back to Smit until middle of August to determine whether or not I need the surgery.
In a rare move (I am usually very compliant patient) I am disagreeing with the doctor, acutually the PA, and not taking the anti-inflammatory because it causes me to retain water (swollen ankles, etc.) I have been off it two days now and have shed over 3 pounds. So we'll see what happens. At least surgery won't interfere with trip to Saugatuck.

I went back to my yoga class Tuesday and there were only a few poses I had to pass on. Now I need to build up some walking miles and maybe I can stop the scales from escalating (for sure, I won't stop eating)

As far as the listamania going on in my family or origin, I want them to know I use the list maker from Outlook and mine is at least a half a page (when printed out..it's tiny print!). So there.

Techno question

What did I do on last post that didn't enable me to create a title? I don't even know how I got back here. I get to thinking I'm a hotshot at this and suddenly some little minor glitch slaps me up the side of the head and says, "Girl, you don't know what your doing, admit it!"

To all sons out there...I really want to figure out how to transfer my pictures from little square thingy to computer and then be able to send them on blog site. Anybody think they can talk me thru that?

What I learned in Albany

I know...it's been a while.

Being in the presence of my granddaughters is like being in worship. It is getting in touch with the awesome. Watching them become people, I've decided, is my new highest calling. I will never let 6 months go by again without seeing them both. I said I went to Hartford hoping to discover what my purpose is for my remaining years. I got the answer in Albany instead. My reason for being is to be the best grandmother I am capable of being...to be a presence in their lives...to hopefully leave some imprint that years from now they will say, "I learned that from my Nana; wasn't she a character?"

So, I've made the offer to Tricia...either I'll fly out or I'll fly you here at least every other month.
And, if you're reading this, Carl and Heather, I hope I get the chance to do the same with some little pagan/Italian/brilliant Hertz/Eisele's (what will you do about the name?)

Amelia is maturing so fast it scares me (and her parents). Greta is unbelievably bright and will challenge the whole family. But the world they are marching into at such a fast pace is the scariest place. That's why I think those of us who love them need to give them all the positive experience possible now when their personalities and character are in the formative stage.
I want to be a part of that process even if they live miles away. It's only a one hour drive and a two hour flight.

And, oh, I love Erich and Tricia's company too!

So, continuing

The most memorable thing about the General Synod was being part of a 9000 member choir. Can you imagine that many people singing your favorite hymn? It was awesome. It was equally cool to be walking down the sidewalk and striking up a conversation with total strangers about their slogans on their t-shirts. Except they didn' t feel like total strangers; corny as it sounds they were like brothers and sisters. It was really unlike anything I've ever experienced.

Unfortunately, it all took place in this very backward town of Hartford, CT. If you ever have a chance to go there, don't. Nothingsville and cops that clearly were not happy to see out of towners. Ask Erich....I'll say no more.

One of the neatest touches that brought that huge crowd together was home made chocolate chip cookies. Every UCC congregation in Conneticutt made dozens of home made cookies. Every time a session started in that huge arena ( home to their professional hockey team) you would find your neighbor passing along a plastic conainer of home made cookies. And every time you sat down you would declare that you were NOT going to eat more cookies. But t hey were always irresistible. It was a very homey touch and a big hit. My friend Carl found "cookie central" and there were literally dozens of containers of cookies you could choose from...it wasn't easy to pry him away from there either. Of course, I exercised great restraint (that means I only t ook half a dozen instead of a dozen).

i think the other mistake I made was being there 5 days...too long to be focussing on one thing for me. One of the joys of being retired is that I don't have to do the same things days in a row. Everyday is different. It was hard for me physically too with this bad knee and my general Parkinson's fatigue. But I am glad I experienced it.

Next, it's on to New York and the granddaughters!