I realized this weekend that I am not only transitioning from one part of my life to another, but I am in transition about who I am as a person and how I relate to the world out there.
For most of my adult life I have had positions of authority and the power that goes with t hose positions. In fact, if asked to describe myself I would have used those titles and positions as part of defining who I was. The key word is power; I am used to having power and having people follow my leadership. That is part of my big change now.
I am becoming more and more a product of my age and Parkinson's. I tire easily. I move slowly. I nap. I frequently chose to stay home rather than go out to social events. I don't care about leading anyone, even though I am still asked. But (this is a big word) I am still feeling like I am giving up something, withdrawing from a powerful (no pun intended) drug. And withdrawal is no fun. It is difficult and sometimes painful. And I was feeling sorry for myself until yesterday when I found out that MaryJo had a stroke and is in ICU after emergency brain surgery. Lord knows what adjustments she will have to make.
I have a few friends who are blessed with good health and it seems to be mostly genetic. And then there are the rest of us. At my last visit to PD doctor they took blood as they are getting DNA on all PD patients to test the genetic theory on that too.
So, back to my point. This is not just a transition but a giving up more and more for a very different life style. And at least I feel better realizing what my withdrawal is all about.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Ethical will 4: Listening
OK, boys and girls, time to get back to our lessons. One of the best gifts you can give yourself is a highly developed skill that is rarely found among others...the ability to actively listen.
I'm sure you've heard the expression "you can't learn anything when your mouth is in gear" or something to that effect. If you can focus on who or what you are listening to instead of your internal chatter you will live a much more interesting life.
For example, try listening to the morning sounds outdoors instead of the news and weather...much more interesting. Listen to little children at play...chances are you'll learn a lot about their environment and even your own behavior if they are your children.
Try no tv, radio, music for a week and listen to silence. The odds are you will better know what you are feeling, thinking about the current issues in your life.
But the most important listening is to others. If we listen to what others are saying with our full attention (not thinking what we want to say next) our relationship with that person will improve 100%. Really. The two things we all want most out of life is to be loved and to be listened to. Active listening is a skill that gets better with practice. There are books written about it (I can't remember any off hand, so google it).
And it is critical if you love someone and live with them. Let them know after you've listened that you heard what they said. I know. It sounds very simplistic and trite.
Some of life's lessons are just that, but that doesn't mean they aren't true.
I'm sure you've heard the expression "you can't learn anything when your mouth is in gear" or something to that effect. If you can focus on who or what you are listening to instead of your internal chatter you will live a much more interesting life.
For example, try listening to the morning sounds outdoors instead of the news and weather...much more interesting. Listen to little children at play...chances are you'll learn a lot about their environment and even your own behavior if they are your children.
Try no tv, radio, music for a week and listen to silence. The odds are you will better know what you are feeling, thinking about the current issues in your life.
But the most important listening is to others. If we listen to what others are saying with our full attention (not thinking what we want to say next) our relationship with that person will improve 100%. Really. The two things we all want most out of life is to be loved and to be listened to. Active listening is a skill that gets better with practice. There are books written about it (I can't remember any off hand, so google it).
And it is critical if you love someone and live with them. Let them know after you've listened that you heard what they said. I know. It sounds very simplistic and trite.
Some of life's lessons are just that, but that doesn't mean they aren't true.
Monday, July 23, 2007
And another thing...
I'm curious; how do people write memoirs or autobiographies and re-create whole conversations? Does anybody out there have that kind of memory? I can't remember conversations from a week ago. I'm lucky to remember circumstances, major events, places, sometimes feelings, but conversation?
One of the reasons I put off going back to the memoir; I feel it needs the punch and specificity of conversation...is it fair to just make it up? Does anyone out there (besides Noel, of course) remember he said, she said conversations?
One of the reasons I put off going back to the memoir; I feel it needs the punch and specificity of conversation...is it fair to just make it up? Does anyone out there (besides Noel, of course) remember he said, she said conversations?
It's Official
Well, there is no way to deny it...my latest addiction is this computer and all that goes with it.
There is no question that I am an addictive personality. My Parkinson's doctor warned me of obsessive/compulsive behavior, especially gambling. I think I'm leaning toward internet shopping instead of gambling. But the addiction is for sure, joining chocolate and books in that order.
If it isn't spider solitaire, it's cruising YouTube, checking family blogs multiple times daily, reading the local paper (I refuse to subscribe anymore, but one must read the obits), researching books and checking email everytime I sit down at the desk. I would hate to add up the amount of time I spend here.
I still leave the laptop at home on short trips so I don't think I've gone over the line yet!
There is no question that I am an addictive personality. My Parkinson's doctor warned me of obsessive/compulsive behavior, especially gambling. I think I'm leaning toward internet shopping instead of gambling. But the addiction is for sure, joining chocolate and books in that order.
If it isn't spider solitaire, it's cruising YouTube, checking family blogs multiple times daily, reading the local paper (I refuse to subscribe anymore, but one must read the obits), researching books and checking email everytime I sit down at the desk. I would hate to add up the amount of time I spend here.
I still leave the laptop at home on short trips so I don't think I've gone over the line yet!
Friday, July 20, 2007
Sharing the past
After just reading Cillic's latest entry I am seriously considering destroying the memoirs I have written rather than sharing them. I guess we can't help but think were was I when things were that bad for you?
And is anyone really interested in my past? What could it possibly mean to anyone else, except for sharing the lessons I've learned? And I'm not so sure we can learn from other people's experience. Most of the meaningful lessons we need to learn from our own experience, the hard way. Maybe the best we can do is share notes which might help a little on the final exam.
I love to read biographies because I feel I get to know someone interesting that I wouldn't have known otherwise. So the value of a memoir was, I gues, is in letting others know the you that you have hidden. Maybe that's not a good idea!
And is anyone really interested in my past? What could it possibly mean to anyone else, except for sharing the lessons I've learned? And I'm not so sure we can learn from other people's experience. Most of the meaningful lessons we need to learn from our own experience, the hard way. Maybe the best we can do is share notes which might help a little on the final exam.
I love to read biographies because I feel I get to know someone interesting that I wouldn't have known otherwise. So the value of a memoir was, I gues, is in letting others know the you that you have hidden. Maybe that's not a good idea!
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Ethicall will #3..Servanthood
This is an extremely difficult subject for a feminist to tackle, but I am going to try to sort out what I mean and why it is important, because I do believe the best life is to be found in serving others.
As a feminist my thought process was always "damn if I am going to take the servant role; that's been the problem for women forever. It's time to stand up for me and let my needs come first for a change!" And there is a legitimate need to take care of yourself and tend to your own needs. But the primary reason that it is important is so that you have the ability to nourish others. It is not a goal in itself but rather a means to achieve a more important goal.
There is no question in my mind that the good life is in serving others. We know that as a mother and grandmother and even sometimes as a wife! Admit it...isn't it more fun to give gifts than to receive them? I have always liked Scott Peck's definition of love, "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." Nothing to do with emotions or feelings.
In fact, the real challenge of putting others first is to do so when you don't feel loving. And it's easier to love those we like or those who think like us or those we choose to spend out time with because they make us feel good or make us laugh. But that's not the heart of serving others.
The real test is treating those we don't particularly like with the same extending of one's self, the same nuturing of that other's spirit.
And for me that is what is important about being part of a church community.I can be sure that there will be those for whom I do not feel loving or particularly like but as a community of faith I am committed to encouraging that person's growth as well as my own.
As a feminist my thought process was always "damn if I am going to take the servant role; that's been the problem for women forever. It's time to stand up for me and let my needs come first for a change!" And there is a legitimate need to take care of yourself and tend to your own needs. But the primary reason that it is important is so that you have the ability to nourish others. It is not a goal in itself but rather a means to achieve a more important goal.
There is no question in my mind that the good life is in serving others. We know that as a mother and grandmother and even sometimes as a wife! Admit it...isn't it more fun to give gifts than to receive them? I have always liked Scott Peck's definition of love, "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." Nothing to do with emotions or feelings.
In fact, the real challenge of putting others first is to do so when you don't feel loving. And it's easier to love those we like or those who think like us or those we choose to spend out time with because they make us feel good or make us laugh. But that's not the heart of serving others.
The real test is treating those we don't particularly like with the same extending of one's self, the same nuturing of that other's spirit.
And for me that is what is important about being part of a church community.I can be sure that there will be those for whom I do not feel loving or particularly like but as a community of faith I am committed to encouraging that person's growth as well as my own.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Get a Second Opinion
Sometime back Dotty had a weird headache; went to the local doctor and had the usual battery of tests including MRI. The diagnosis was that she had experienced a stroke. He said it affected the area that governs emotions and did she feel she experienced any unusual emotional swings?
She decided that maybe she was crying more than usual and laughing improperly. My unsolicited opinion was that it was baloney...she showed no symptoms of a stroke and maybe the doctor was mistaken.
Scared the you know what out of her. And the doctor said take an aspirin a day (no joke) and don't worry about it.
Always get a second opinion on any serious diagnosis! Especially when we have all these excellent teaching hospitals in Chicago. Yesterday she finally had her appointment with the neurologist specializing in strokes at Rush and guess what? She did not have a stroke. The doc there said what showed up on the MRI was sometimes mis read by an over zealous radiologist as a stroke but it was something entirely normal and no harm done (I've forgotten the medical term Dotty told me over the phone). In other words, the Riverside radiologist mistakenly diagnosed a stroke. Imagine.
And just recently she was turned down for long term care policy because she had a stroke.Hopefully she can correct the record and apply again, but once something is on your record that isn't easy.
The moral is simple; get a second opinion and ask that something serious not be put on your record until that opinion is solicited.
She decided that maybe she was crying more than usual and laughing improperly. My unsolicited opinion was that it was baloney...she showed no symptoms of a stroke and maybe the doctor was mistaken.
Scared the you know what out of her. And the doctor said take an aspirin a day (no joke) and don't worry about it.
Always get a second opinion on any serious diagnosis! Especially when we have all these excellent teaching hospitals in Chicago. Yesterday she finally had her appointment with the neurologist specializing in strokes at Rush and guess what? She did not have a stroke. The doc there said what showed up on the MRI was sometimes mis read by an over zealous radiologist as a stroke but it was something entirely normal and no harm done (I've forgotten the medical term Dotty told me over the phone). In other words, the Riverside radiologist mistakenly diagnosed a stroke. Imagine.
And just recently she was turned down for long term care policy because she had a stroke.Hopefully she can correct the record and apply again, but once something is on your record that isn't easy.
The moral is simple; get a second opinion and ask that something serious not be put on your record until that opinion is solicited.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Back to the knee
I have had the last of those crazy (oil from a rooster's comb, I kid you not) injections and I don't go back to Smit until middle of August to determine whether or not I need the surgery.
In a rare move (I am usually very compliant patient) I am disagreeing with the doctor, acutually the PA, and not taking the anti-inflammatory because it causes me to retain water (swollen ankles, etc.) I have been off it two days now and have shed over 3 pounds. So we'll see what happens. At least surgery won't interfere with trip to Saugatuck.
I went back to my yoga class Tuesday and there were only a few poses I had to pass on. Now I need to build up some walking miles and maybe I can stop the scales from escalating (for sure, I won't stop eating)
As far as the listamania going on in my family or origin, I want them to know I use the list maker from Outlook and mine is at least a half a page (when printed out..it's tiny print!). So there.
In a rare move (I am usually very compliant patient) I am disagreeing with the doctor, acutually the PA, and not taking the anti-inflammatory because it causes me to retain water (swollen ankles, etc.) I have been off it two days now and have shed over 3 pounds. So we'll see what happens. At least surgery won't interfere with trip to Saugatuck.
I went back to my yoga class Tuesday and there were only a few poses I had to pass on. Now I need to build up some walking miles and maybe I can stop the scales from escalating (for sure, I won't stop eating)
As far as the listamania going on in my family or origin, I want them to know I use the list maker from Outlook and mine is at least a half a page (when printed out..it's tiny print!). So there.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Techno question
What did I do on last post that didn't enable me to create a title? I don't even know how I got back here. I get to thinking I'm a hotshot at this and suddenly some little minor glitch slaps me up the side of the head and says, "Girl, you don't know what your doing, admit it!"
To all sons out there...I really want to figure out how to transfer my pictures from little square thingy to computer and then be able to send them on blog site. Anybody think they can talk me thru that?
To all sons out there...I really want to figure out how to transfer my pictures from little square thingy to computer and then be able to send them on blog site. Anybody think they can talk me thru that?
What I learned in Albany
I know...it's been a while.
Being in the presence of my granddaughters is like being in worship. It is getting in touch with the awesome. Watching them become people, I've decided, is my new highest calling. I will never let 6 months go by again without seeing them both. I said I went to Hartford hoping to discover what my purpose is for my remaining years. I got the answer in Albany instead. My reason for being is to be the best grandmother I am capable of being...to be a presence in their lives...to hopefully leave some imprint that years from now they will say, "I learned that from my Nana; wasn't she a character?"
So, I've made the offer to Tricia...either I'll fly out or I'll fly you here at least every other month.
And, if you're reading this, Carl and Heather, I hope I get the chance to do the same with some little pagan/Italian/brilliant Hertz/Eisele's (what will you do about the name?)
Amelia is maturing so fast it scares me (and her parents). Greta is unbelievably bright and will challenge the whole family. But the world they are marching into at such a fast pace is the scariest place. That's why I think those of us who love them need to give them all the positive experience possible now when their personalities and character are in the formative stage.
I want to be a part of that process even if they live miles away. It's only a one hour drive and a two hour flight.
And, oh, I love Erich and Tricia's company too!
Being in the presence of my granddaughters is like being in worship. It is getting in touch with the awesome. Watching them become people, I've decided, is my new highest calling. I will never let 6 months go by again without seeing them both. I said I went to Hartford hoping to discover what my purpose is for my remaining years. I got the answer in Albany instead. My reason for being is to be the best grandmother I am capable of being...to be a presence in their lives...to hopefully leave some imprint that years from now they will say, "I learned that from my Nana; wasn't she a character?"
So, I've made the offer to Tricia...either I'll fly out or I'll fly you here at least every other month.
And, if you're reading this, Carl and Heather, I hope I get the chance to do the same with some little pagan/Italian/brilliant Hertz/Eisele's (what will you do about the name?)
Amelia is maturing so fast it scares me (and her parents). Greta is unbelievably bright and will challenge the whole family. But the world they are marching into at such a fast pace is the scariest place. That's why I think those of us who love them need to give them all the positive experience possible now when their personalities and character are in the formative stage.
I want to be a part of that process even if they live miles away. It's only a one hour drive and a two hour flight.
And, oh, I love Erich and Tricia's company too!
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
So, continuing
The most memorable thing about the General Synod was being part of a 9000 member choir. Can you imagine that many people singing your favorite hymn? It was awesome. It was equally cool to be walking down the sidewalk and striking up a conversation with total strangers about their slogans on their t-shirts. Except they didn' t feel like total strangers; corny as it sounds they were like brothers and sisters. It was really unlike anything I've ever experienced.
Unfortunately, it all took place in this very backward town of Hartford, CT. If you ever have a chance to go there, don't. Nothingsville and cops that clearly were not happy to see out of towners. Ask Erich....I'll say no more.
One of the neatest touches that brought that huge crowd together was home made chocolate chip cookies. Every UCC congregation in Conneticutt made dozens of home made cookies. Every time a session started in that huge arena ( home to their professional hockey team) you would find your neighbor passing along a plastic conainer of home made cookies. And every time you sat down you would declare that you were NOT going to eat more cookies. But t hey were always irresistible. It was a very homey touch and a big hit. My friend Carl found "cookie central" and there were literally dozens of containers of cookies you could choose from...it wasn't easy to pry him away from there either. Of course, I exercised great restraint (that means I only t ook half a dozen instead of a dozen).
i think the other mistake I made was being there 5 days...too long to be focussing on one thing for me. One of the joys of being retired is that I don't have to do the same things days in a row. Everyday is different. It was hard for me physically too with this bad knee and my general Parkinson's fatigue. But I am glad I experienced it.
Next, it's on to New York and the granddaughters!
Unfortunately, it all took place in this very backward town of Hartford, CT. If you ever have a chance to go there, don't. Nothingsville and cops that clearly were not happy to see out of towners. Ask Erich....I'll say no more.
One of the neatest touches that brought that huge crowd together was home made chocolate chip cookies. Every UCC congregation in Conneticutt made dozens of home made cookies. Every time a session started in that huge arena ( home to their professional hockey team) you would find your neighbor passing along a plastic conainer of home made cookies. And every time you sat down you would declare that you were NOT going to eat more cookies. But t hey were always irresistible. It was a very homey touch and a big hit. My friend Carl found "cookie central" and there were literally dozens of containers of cookies you could choose from...it wasn't easy to pry him away from there either. Of course, I exercised great restraint (that means I only t ook half a dozen instead of a dozen).
i think the other mistake I made was being there 5 days...too long to be focussing on one thing for me. One of the joys of being retired is that I don't have to do the same things days in a row. Everyday is different. It was hard for me physically too with this bad knee and my general Parkinson's fatigue. But I am glad I experienced it.
Next, it's on to New York and the granddaughters!
Why I like Barack
The closing paragraph of Barack Obama's speech to the UCC General Synod:
"So let's rededicate ourselves to a new kind of politics- a politics of conscience. Let's come together- Protestant and Catholic, Muslim and Hindu and Jew, believer and non-believer alike. We're not going to agree on everything, but we can disagree without being disagreeable. We can affirm our faith without endangering the separation of church and state, as long as we understand that when we're in the public square, we have to speak in universal terms that everyone can understand. And if we can do that -if we can embrace a common destiny- then I believe we'll not just help bring about a more hopeful day in America, we'll not just be caring for our own souls, we'll be doing God's work here on Earth."
"So let's rededicate ourselves to a new kind of politics- a politics of conscience. Let's come together- Protestant and Catholic, Muslim and Hindu and Jew, believer and non-believer alike. We're not going to agree on everything, but we can disagree without being disagreeable. We can affirm our faith without endangering the separation of church and state, as long as we understand that when we're in the public square, we have to speak in universal terms that everyone can understand. And if we can do that -if we can embrace a common destiny- then I believe we'll not just help bring about a more hopeful day in America, we'll not just be caring for our own souls, we'll be doing God's work here on Earth."
Travels
Is there anything better than being back home after a long trip?
Our General Synod in Hartford was a new experience for me....9000 UCC'ers, almost half clergy, most on the same wave length I am with respect to theology and politics, brought to their feet by dynamite speakers like Bill Moyers and Barack Obama. You can't imagine the thrill of singing with that many people. Saw my first laser show..the inventor is UCC now in his ninties; got up on stage and they almost had to take the mike away from him. Lynn Redgrave spoke about her fight with breast cancer (her story is almost identical to mine) and how she became a member of UCC church while she was in treatment.
It was an exhausting experience, but worth it. It was the 50th anniversary of the UCC so I am sure it was a lot more fanfare than the usual meetings. Not sure I would want to do it again; as a visitor and lay person I felt "out of the circle"; it was good that my Florida buddy Carl was there too. By the way if you are interested in what Moyers and Obama had to say go to website...ucc.org...click on General Synod..click on significant speeches.
To be continued.......
Our General Synod in Hartford was a new experience for me....9000 UCC'ers, almost half clergy, most on the same wave length I am with respect to theology and politics, brought to their feet by dynamite speakers like Bill Moyers and Barack Obama. You can't imagine the thrill of singing with that many people. Saw my first laser show..the inventor is UCC now in his ninties; got up on stage and they almost had to take the mike away from him. Lynn Redgrave spoke about her fight with breast cancer (her story is almost identical to mine) and how she became a member of UCC church while she was in treatment.
It was an exhausting experience, but worth it. It was the 50th anniversary of the UCC so I am sure it was a lot more fanfare than the usual meetings. Not sure I would want to do it again; as a visitor and lay person I felt "out of the circle"; it was good that my Florida buddy Carl was there too. By the way if you are interested in what Moyers and Obama had to say go to website...ucc.org...click on General Synod..click on significant speeches.
To be continued.......
Pro Flyer
Before I seriously catch you folks up on my trip out east, I feel I have to set the record straight given the disbelievers in my family with respect to my flying. Yes, Sarah and Richard, I've racked up thousands of miles in the air. Just ask my former travel agent. Now, of course, I book myself thru Orbitz. Just to cite a few, I've flown to Europe twice, Hawaii, Palm Springs, Scotsdale, Palm Beach, Naples, Ottawa Canada, Acupolco Mexico, San Antonio, Portland Maine about 6 times.....you get the picture. A little xanax, a glass of wine(althought I don't even do that on morning flights!) and we're up, up and away.
Seriously, I conquered that fear long time ago. And the knee made it fine this time. Both fllights I was able to upgrade to Economy plus and I used the wheelchair service at O'Hare as the end of the C concorse is about two mile from the security check in. Rather humbling to need to be pushed in wheelchair but I guess I have to anticipate more of that.
So there to all who thought I was a chicken!
Seriously, I conquered that fear long time ago. And the knee made it fine this time. Both fllights I was able to upgrade to Economy plus and I used the wheelchair service at O'Hare as the end of the C concorse is about two mile from the security check in. Rather humbling to need to be pushed in wheelchair but I guess I have to anticipate more of that.
So there to all who thought I was a chicken!
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