Everything's changed

It seems dramatic, I know, but since MaryJo's death everything has changed.

Perhaps it was the first time I have experienced the death of a contemporary that I felt so close to. Or maybe it was the realization, too late, that she was such an important part of my life. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we (book club) are have been together so long and are so close without really expressing that feeling; being so close means that we each know how many of our friends are feeling the loss too.

Whatever the reason I am aware that there is a very large number of people out there who mean a great deal to me and I don't want to wait until their funeral and tell their families that without having let them know. Not that I want to get all mushy or sentimental or overly friendly to the point of discomforting people. I need to find a way, though to say "you are an important part of my life, you mean a great deal to me", even " I love you" to the dozens of friends that I don't see everyday.

Last night when we went to the Hospice Business After Hours it was such a joy to see so many people that I know and care for and to receive s o many hugs. I haven't felt that way about socializing in a long time. I thought I would never feel that way again. I have been crawling into my introverted Parkison shell that the doctors warn about.

And that has all changed. For now at least. Another gift MaryJo left behind.

Sleepless again

I realize I've blogged about this before. Then I was looking for suggestions. Now I think I am just resigned to getting 5 to 6 hours of sleep at most. There are a lot worse things I could be dealing with. Besides, there is something almost furtive about blogging at the hour; it's as if I am a Santa of the Word, leaving little notes on your computer in the middle of the night.

Part of my inability to go back to sleep is Keto's fault. He has the dry itchies and keeps waking up scratching. And, yes, he does sleep with me and, yes, I am a light sleeper so I get what I deserve, right?

And then there is all this travel by my kids right now. Carl and Heather flying to SF last night, Tricia and Amelia flying here in the am, Larry in Chicago, Steve and Robin coming Sunday; it takes a lot of mother-energy to get all those people where they are going safely.

Another blessing...Park and Shar are coming to spend the night so today I am on a wine hunt for the particular cabernet they like. And I am having lunch with old friend Ab Potter whom I have not seen in few years. When I think of all those people that I love I realize how rich my life is. No wonder I can't sleep; I am too busy counting my blessings.

Neihbur was right; the only prayer necessary is 'thank you".

Missing in Action

I haven't been blogging because I was in Michigan with friends. Friends who must rely on (shutter!) dial up service. I did check email (I am an addict, after all) but my patience was used up on that. Using dial up is akin to practicing zen buddhism.....you do a lot of staring into space, hands in lap, being in the present, waiting, and waiting.
They live in the woods and that means dsl is unavailable and wireless is impossible. They are also lucky to get one bar on the cell phone. I love visiting there but could never live in such a technilogically remote place.
Ah, but the weather was 10 degrees cooler, the restaurants were wonderful and I have had my August allotment of wine already. In other words, we had a great time.
Now it's back to the projects on my desk and doctor's appointments. I am hoping to find out the deal on knee surgery today, which will let me plan ahead on things that have been on hold.

MaryJo

Mary Jo is part of my book club. As a group we have been together over 30 years. When I moved to Kankakee in '74 it took me several years to find other women like me (smart, irreverent, readers,etc). I must have joined book club in '76 and have planned my schedule around the second Thursday ever since.
Members have come and gone. Some have moved away, retired or not. A few have had to move because of their husband's job. The new members that replaced them came first as guests, getting a very informal unspoken ok to join from all the group so we have stayed at about 12-14 members for all this time.
Lots of us were teachers or former teachers (especially English teachers) and within the group is the subset of those who worked together in the Kankakee school system. Mary Jo is one of those; she finished her career as the #2 in administration.
MaryJo is the most vociferous reader of the group; we always marvel at the amount of reading she does. She is the expert on all that is happening in the literary world and we always want to read her selections.
Since she retired she has been the guiding force of the Friends of the Library on almost a full time schedule; she has been responsible for bringing well known authors to Kankakee and helping to put the new library in the center of life here.
Like most of us in book club she is a doting grandma...we have gone thru so many stages of life together. Raising little ones, struggling with teenagers, losing our own parents, going thru the "change", becoming grandmothers, retirement, major and minor illness. Of course we talk about the book! And so much more. We are, most of us, very good talkers and would never run out of topics.
MaryJo has been so vital to that process, being the reader and the talker she has been.

Now she lies in ICU still with tubes everywhere in a coma. The doctors say the stroke she had a week ago did massive damage to her brain. If she were to come out of the coma she would have no comprehension, could not speak, could not read, could not understand or recognize anyone. She left a living will....she would not want that existence.
I cannot imagine book club without her. Until now, I hadn't realized how much I cared about her. I wished I had told her that before last Saturday.

Never take for granted

A few of the things I want to never take for granted:

Hearing the birds in the morning/being able to get out of bed.

Taking a shower and feeling fresh to start a new day.

Getting a phone call from my granddaughters

Snuggling on the couch with my dog right after he's been to the groomer.

Laughing with friends at Jon Stewart every evening.

Fresh produce from the farmer's market.

Diving into a really good novel/having the time to read all day.

Talking to my sons on the phone about serious things/ silly things.

Getting a real hug that says I love you from a friend.

Happy Birthday!

Today is my brother's birthday. My only brother. My only family (except our kids, of course).
For those who don't know him......

My brother is very gifted; he can do anything he decides to do. He created an entire suite in his basement from scratch, doing all the framing, drywall, electrical, plumbing, and hvac. He is an artist who works primarily with photography. He is a model railroader who uses his artistic ability to create an entire miniature world. He is a preacher who prepares himself mentally for days.

He is the grandfather of four doting little girls and the father of two delightful daughters and is married to the best sister-in-law anyone could ask for; and all those females add up to his own beloved fan club.

He has a joyous sense of humor, sometimes a little repetitive, but always infectious. He can charm the socks off anyone if he decides to. And when it comes to dominoes he is THE gamemaster.

He is a man of deep faith who works hard at living what he believes. He doesn't always do what is best for his health and that worries those who love him.

He is becoming a good golfer. He is one of the best drivers I have ever ridden with. He can be very very stubborn.

I am so grateful that he is my brother and friend. I love him very much. Happy Birthday,
Richard.

Perspective

Standing over my friend in ICU with tubes everywhere possible in a drug induced coma, I decided that my painful knee was of little consequence. It was extremely painful to see her like that.
Kay Beguhn is here staying with me in order to see MaryJo and we both decided we shouldn't even be allowed to go in to see her. Her blood pressure went up and she appeared agitated so we felt she could hear us and wanted to respond and couldn't. She really needs to be left alone and yet everyone's inclined to rush over there and visit.
It's also driving me crazy that she is not getting good doctoring, but she is in no shape to move to Chicago. A major problem. And it makes me so aware that there are plenty of emergency medical situations that can happen to any of us here where the quality of doctoring leaves something to be desired. Another of those biggies you can't control. There aren't even the doctors here that would enable one to get a second opinion. Would she have made it in a copter for surgery in Chicago? Who knows.
I know if I am in any kind of serious medical emergency and I am stable enough to move I want that plane ride to Chicago!