Dejected

I have never been unhappy here before

A major shift has rocked the very floor.

And I am feeling disconnected,

Adrift and undetected.

Like the wireless signal that no one hears,

I am afloat in the universe, can’t even shed tears.

And I am feeling disconnected,

Adrift and undetected.

Where do I belong now that I don’t belong?

It’s always up to me to write the song.

And I am feeling disconnected,

Adrift and undetected.

I thought I already knew the existential alone

But being split in two really sets the tone.

And I am feeling disconnected,

Adrift and undetected.

Alone and unprotected.

Dejected.

stream of ..........

I have always wanted to try just writing whatever comes into my head without censoring or editing so this is an attempt to do that ..I'm not sure that I'm not always editing in my head so I guess I will find out; however, it is hard to write stream of conciousness when you have to correct as many typos as I make because that kind of slows you d own ...where are my fellow bloggers these days? It is disappointing not to see new entries. Don't you know you are letting down your fans? I haven't been able to get into any kind of schedule since i've been back to Kankakee, not that i was that scheduled in FL but I feel like here I ought to be accomplishing more and yet my time seems to be taken up with housekeeping, shopping, cooking. etc. In FL it was nice to have people who shared the chores and I just got interrupted by Dotty leaving for work at 6:18 am on SATurday!! I keep seeing my girls out of the corner of my eye on t he Cieva screen ...the nicest gift I've ever received and it makes me think of Tricia telling me that Greta keeps saying I want to go to Nana's....wait til she goes to Nana's in the winter...swimming pool and beach and sunshine. ..I am going to have to do an attutude adjustment here in order to enjoy summer and Kankakee without wishing away the time///I can't afford to wiish away any time; I want to make th e most of every day. I don't know how many minutes i've been at this but it is abuntantly clear that I have said nothing of consequence so maybe I shouldn';t do this in public.

Good Intentions

Good intentions overwhelm me like the bullies on the playground.

They hover just around the corner, waiting to nail me.

I smell them, sense their power over my well feeling, being.

Creatures I have created from the ambitious eager me.

Tracking me, hunting me, haunting me every moment.

I must be stuck with them forever, homeless urchins searchin’.

Waiting to set me up. For failure. For self-loathing.

They pound on the door when I try to take a nap.

They point out the pounds; every mirror; at least, the beast.

And the exercise equipment sits, alone and forlorn.

The memoir stands still as time keeps creating.

Good intentions bully me to no avail, I fail.

The Campaign Blues

Am I the only one who has lost interest in this marathon between the "historic" candidates?

When I first arrived at the party I was excited and filled with hope that we were going to see an intelligent contest between Clinton and Obama. I felt strongly that Obama was the better candidate and have been consistently supporting him financially.

But it has turned out to be like any other party that goes on too long...you lose that giddy high you started with and suddenly you look around the room and those that previously seemed like highly attractive and witty companions now look bedraggled and ordinary. The evening's accumulation of bad jokes, personal disclosures, barbs hurled at others has you thinking "do I want to go home with any of these people?"

Of course, neither is perfect. I still feel that Obama has more integrity and would be the person I want representing us on the world stage. And it wouldn't be a bad thing to have the first woman president (depending on what she does with Bill to get him out of the way).

And the worst actors at this party are the TV pundits. They need to be kicked out the door and if they won't go quietly somebody call the cops.

But this has gone too long and we all should have gone home hours ago. Nothing that has happened has changed my vote. I'm still with you, Barak. I'm just not as excited as I was when we first met.

A new experience

It's always a kick to experience something for the f irst time and this morning that something
was an earthquake. Not something we are accustomed to in Illinois. So at 4:30 am, sitting at my computer, I noticed a moment when every window in the house vibrated. I looked outside: no evidence of any wind...um, sometimes frieght trains do that in the middle of the night , but th is was much stronger an effect and since it stopped quickly, I just shrugged it off. Later, of course, I heard that we h ad experienced an earthquake.

I had a similar experience in Florida. In the middle of the day we heard a massive explosion; found out later that it was a sonic boom from the space shuttle re-entering the atmosphere before landing at Cape Kennedy.

Both times, it would have been more interesting if I had known at the time what was happening.

granddaughters

They're here.....the Hertz women including my beloved and stressed daughter in law and the two cutest brightest little females who walk the ea rth. And I am exhausted. Greta lives up to her reputation and Amelia is suddenly bordering on teenagehood (she'll be 7 in Sept. and her sister is 2 and 1/2).

I am still not back in the grove or routine and am way behind on personal projects, but at least got the income tax taken care of. The grass is ready to mow; the flowers are starting to bloom and all I see around me is work. The condo looks be tter and better.

Have yet to get back to writing or exercising but next Monday I've taken a solemn vow.

My funk

Why does the weather have such a hold on me? I am one of those people whose mood almost entirely depends on weather. Since I just left blue skies and 80 degrees and am now in upper thirties and drizzle, I am in a funk. I can't seem to get chores done, don't want to run errands, am eating junk food....behavior that is a far cry from my behavior in Florida.

I don't think people take me seriously when I say I want to spend much more of the year there, but if you had two homes and you felt good at one and lousy at the other...... I know I have to give spring and summer here a chance, but come on already!

And this place is crammed....there is too much stuff. I am going to make every effort to get rid of some of it. In fact, my goal is to have a garbage bag of stuff cleared out every day. And I'm going to take time to write every day. And I am going to exercise every day. And no more ice cream either. So there, bad Charlene!

Fantasies, all fantasies.

the power of sunshine

If there is anyone still out there who will read this I apologize for my silence. When still in Florida I always seemed to have more pressing things to do and now that I'm back in Kankakee I still need to unpack! And, by the way, I haven't seen the sun since arriving here3 days ago.

I want to hold myself to writing something everyday but even I don't believe my good intentions will be held to anymore! And there is even more to do to get this house in shape, like put away the Christmas decorations. Not kidding.

The Hertz females from Albany are due to be here this Monday; I haven't seen theme since Thanksgiving and am very excited about this visit. Can;t linger but promise to be more faithful.