I have been reading a book given to me by a young friend who must be wise beyond her years. The book is part memoir, part travelogue, part faith journey. Eat,Pray,Love by Elizabeth
Gilbert. I am not quite finished with it but I want to read it again already. There is so much of it I want to share. Here is one example.
"As smoking is to the lungs, so is resentment to the soul; even one puff of it is bad for you. I mean, what kind of prayer is this to imbibe-"Give us this day our daily grudge"? You might just as well hang it up and kiss God goodbye if you really need to keep blaming somebody else for your own life's limitations......I realized I'd been thinking about all this too literally. I'd been wanting to talk to my ex-husband ? So talk to him. Talk to him right now. I'd been waiting to be offered forgiveness? Offer it up personally then. Right now. I thought how many people go to their graves unforgiven and unforgiving. I thought of how many people have had siblings or friends or children or lovers disappear from their lives before precious words of clemency or absolution could be passed along. How do the survivors of terminated relationships ever endure the pain of unfinished business? From that place of meditation I found the answer- you can finish the business yourself, from within yourself. It's not only possible, it's essential."
Another of my favorites:
"The Hopi Indians thought that the world's religions each contained one spiritual thread, and that these threads are always seeking each other, wanting to join. When all the threads are finally woven together they will form a rope that will pull us out of this dark cycle of history and into the next realm."
I know these bits don't do the book justice. I am just loving it so much I had to share part of it with someone; another overwhelming urge...to share what is meaningful to us. Which can get us in trouble too!
Thank you so much, Sara!! Peace be with you.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
The Garden
The garden weeps from neglect
Untended, drooping, alone.
I pay no mind
To the weeds, overgrown
Or wild strawberry choking all.
It's not for lack of love or money
or time..I have them all to spare.
I've even tried ten minutes
or so here and there.
A pitifull effort to tame nature.
Now it bends, falls, dying
As a reminder of my age,
my energy, my disability.
Paying my sins' wage:
(tired saying it)Parkinsons.
It has become my story
A statement of ineptitude
for all that I once could do.
The worst? A negative attitude
And a garden that reflects me.
Untended, drooping, alone.
I pay no mind
To the weeds, overgrown
Or wild strawberry choking all.
It's not for lack of love or money
or time..I have them all to spare.
I've even tried ten minutes
or so here and there.
A pitifull effort to tame nature.
Now it bends, falls, dying
As a reminder of my age,
my energy, my disability.
Paying my sins' wage:
(tired saying it)Parkinsons.
It has become my story
A statement of ineptitude
for all that I once could do.
The worst? A negative attitude
And a garden that reflects me.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
OUT OF ORDER
How many has it been?
Four or forty days of rain,
Heavy steady drumming dampness.
At this rate mold will rule the world.
(Pale faces peer out but briefly
looking for a break to mow.)
Wild lawns, lush green growth
Replace the August browning.
Thriving weeds gain new life,
Plotting overthrow, overgrow.
(Asters already blooming too
soon for autumn's dance.)
This is not how we know August,
Patterns are upside, downside.
Soggy fields, sad sad farmers,
Where there should be dust.
(How can we trust a world
so confused, out of order?)
Four or forty days of rain,
Heavy steady drumming dampness.
At this rate mold will rule the world.
(Pale faces peer out but briefly
looking for a break to mow.)
Wild lawns, lush green growth
Replace the August browning.
Thriving weeds gain new life,
Plotting overthrow, overgrow.
(Asters already blooming too
soon for autumn's dance.)
This is not how we know August,
Patterns are upside, downside.
Soggy fields, sad sad farmers,
Where there should be dust.
(How can we trust a world
so confused, out of order?)
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Ethical will 5: The example is the thing
One of life's truths that I keep forgetting and relearning is the power of our lives as examples of behavior as opposed to what we say. Bad sentence. Let me start again.
What we do speaks much louder to those around us than what we say. Trite, you say. Yes, it's been said many ways and you've heard it over and over again. We teach by example, especially when it comes to our children. But this applies to all our relationships. We let people know how they can treat us by how we behave in response to them.
It is more apparent when it comes to raising children. We know that they learn about much that is important in life by watching what we do. They learn how to treat others who look different than us. They learn whether or not it is important to tell the truth. They learn what is more important...stuff or people. They learn how to manipulate us and others to get their way. They learn what the boundaries of acceptable behavior are and usually push and test us all the way. And when our verbal directions to them don't jibe with our own behavior they learn to disregard what we say.
Happens to all of us who are parents. The person whose integrity is so spotless that their words and actions always match is a paragon and those don't really exist.
I think it's harder for us to realize that we teach the people in our lives what we will accept in a relationship more by our behavior than by our words too. We are always sending signals about how much we will accept from someone else and how much we will give.
It's not what you say that counts; it's what you do. Words are cheap. Action speaks louder than words.
We've heard all the cliches, but I'm betting we haven't looked at our own behavior very often and applied that truth. Think back to a relationship that went sour and ask yourself if you behaved the way you said you wanted the other person to behave.
I know; I said I have to keep relearning this!
What we do speaks much louder to those around us than what we say. Trite, you say. Yes, it's been said many ways and you've heard it over and over again. We teach by example, especially when it comes to our children. But this applies to all our relationships. We let people know how they can treat us by how we behave in response to them.
It is more apparent when it comes to raising children. We know that they learn about much that is important in life by watching what we do. They learn how to treat others who look different than us. They learn whether or not it is important to tell the truth. They learn what is more important...stuff or people. They learn how to manipulate us and others to get their way. They learn what the boundaries of acceptable behavior are and usually push and test us all the way. And when our verbal directions to them don't jibe with our own behavior they learn to disregard what we say.
Happens to all of us who are parents. The person whose integrity is so spotless that their words and actions always match is a paragon and those don't really exist.
I think it's harder for us to realize that we teach the people in our lives what we will accept in a relationship more by our behavior than by our words too. We are always sending signals about how much we will accept from someone else and how much we will give.
It's not what you say that counts; it's what you do. Words are cheap. Action speaks louder than words.
We've heard all the cliches, but I'm betting we haven't looked at our own behavior very often and applied that truth. Think back to a relationship that went sour and ask yourself if you behaved the way you said you wanted the other person to behave.
I know; I said I have to keep relearning this!
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Let's have everyone play!
Do you think we can broaden this thing out people? There are family members that are not participating in the great blog share-a-long and I'd really like to have their input. You know who you are.
I really think this kind of sharing brings us together more as a family when we are separated by miles. We don't have to give our blog address to any one else if we don't want to, so it's not like you're telling the world.
It reminds me of a circle letter that everyone adds something to and mails on to the next one, but instead we all share something about ourselves or our recent events with everyone else in the family.
So come on slackers...lets join the party!
I really think this kind of sharing brings us together more as a family when we are separated by miles. We don't have to give our blog address to any one else if we don't want to, so it's not like you're telling the world.
It reminds me of a circle letter that everyone adds something to and mails on to the next one, but instead we all share something about ourselves or our recent events with everyone else in the family.
So come on slackers...lets join the party!
Monday, August 20, 2007
Partings
It's 1:45 in the afternoon, raining as it has been for three days, and I walk back into a silent house. Usually I relish the silence and go out of my way to maintain it. Today it is an absence rather than a presence because Tricia and Amelia have just left to begin their journey home to New York.
The house has been filled with Mia's laughter and joy playing with Keto, who now needs about a three day nap. And filled with people, of course, all drawn by the pleasure of being with Tricia and Amelia.
I know every grandparent is biased but Amelia is a sunny, well behaved, bright, engaging little girl that is beautiful to look at and listen to, especially when she makes up songs. I can't imagine why I am so blessed to be her Nana.
And to top it off I struck it rich in the daughter-in-law game.(twice) If anything I get frustrated at not having enough adult time with Tricia because I'm sure we could spend three days just talking, and we have to make do with little snatches of time when no one else is around. I want so much to make her problems easier and her life more joyous and guilt free.
Thank you, my son, for the good choice you made in a life partner and the beautiful little souls you created between you. I hope I see you all soon.
The house has been filled with Mia's laughter and joy playing with Keto, who now needs about a three day nap. And filled with people, of course, all drawn by the pleasure of being with Tricia and Amelia.
I know every grandparent is biased but Amelia is a sunny, well behaved, bright, engaging little girl that is beautiful to look at and listen to, especially when she makes up songs. I can't imagine why I am so blessed to be her Nana.
And to top it off I struck it rich in the daughter-in-law game.(twice) If anything I get frustrated at not having enough adult time with Tricia because I'm sure we could spend three days just talking, and we have to make do with little snatches of time when no one else is around. I want so much to make her problems easier and her life more joyous and guilt free.
Thank you, my son, for the good choice you made in a life partner and the beautiful little souls you created between you. I hope I see you all soon.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Changes
There is just a glimmer of autumn in the air
A hint of things to come.
Two or three leaves drifting down from the
tree outside my window.
The clarity of air sets every leaf shining,
sun dappled, somehow sweet.
Fall insects out in force, bees busy as bees
Lady bugs at the door.
And beautiful bittersweet September looms
over the last dog days.
The calendar swallows days whole,
Lazy days no more.
I embrace the change, the fall approaching
even though the seasons speed
Rushing toward earth's icey days
As my own winter nears.
A hint of things to come.
Two or three leaves drifting down from the
tree outside my window.
The clarity of air sets every leaf shining,
sun dappled, somehow sweet.
Fall insects out in force, bees busy as bees
Lady bugs at the door.
And beautiful bittersweet September looms
over the last dog days.
The calendar swallows days whole,
Lazy days no more.
I embrace the change, the fall approaching
even though the seasons speed
Rushing toward earth's icey days
As my own winter nears.
Everything's changed
It seems dramatic, I know, but since MaryJo's death everything has changed.
Perhaps it was the first time I have experienced the death of a contemporary that I felt so close to. Or maybe it was the realization, too late, that she was such an important part of my life. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we (book club) are have been together so long and are so close without really expressing that feeling; being so close means that we each know how many of our friends are feeling the loss too.
Whatever the reason I am aware that there is a very large number of people out there who mean a great deal to me and I don't want to wait until their funeral and tell their families that without having let them know. Not that I want to get all mushy or sentimental or overly friendly to the point of discomforting people. I need to find a way, though to say "you are an important part of my life, you mean a great deal to me", even " I love you" to the dozens of friends that I don't see everyday.
Last night when we went to the Hospice Business After Hours it was such a joy to see so many people that I know and care for and to receive s o many hugs. I haven't felt that way about socializing in a long time. I thought I would never feel that way again. I have been crawling into my introverted Parkison shell that the doctors warn about.
And that has all changed. For now at least. Another gift MaryJo left behind.
Perhaps it was the first time I have experienced the death of a contemporary that I felt so close to. Or maybe it was the realization, too late, that she was such an important part of my life. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that we (book club) are have been together so long and are so close without really expressing that feeling; being so close means that we each know how many of our friends are feeling the loss too.
Whatever the reason I am aware that there is a very large number of people out there who mean a great deal to me and I don't want to wait until their funeral and tell their families that without having let them know. Not that I want to get all mushy or sentimental or overly friendly to the point of discomforting people. I need to find a way, though to say "you are an important part of my life, you mean a great deal to me", even " I love you" to the dozens of friends that I don't see everyday.
Last night when we went to the Hospice Business After Hours it was such a joy to see so many people that I know and care for and to receive s o many hugs. I haven't felt that way about socializing in a long time. I thought I would never feel that way again. I have been crawling into my introverted Parkison shell that the doctors warn about.
And that has all changed. For now at least. Another gift MaryJo left behind.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Sleepless again
I realize I've blogged about this before. Then I was looking for suggestions. Now I think I am just resigned to getting 5 to 6 hours of sleep at most. There are a lot worse things I could be dealing with. Besides, there is something almost furtive about blogging at the hour; it's as if I am a Santa of the Word, leaving little notes on your computer in the middle of the night.
Part of my inability to go back to sleep is Keto's fault. He has the dry itchies and keeps waking up scratching. And, yes, he does sleep with me and, yes, I am a light sleeper so I get what I deserve, right?
And then there is all this travel by my kids right now. Carl and Heather flying to SF last night, Tricia and Amelia flying here in the am, Larry in Chicago, Steve and Robin coming Sunday; it takes a lot of mother-energy to get all those people where they are going safely.
Another blessing...Park and Shar are coming to spend the night so today I am on a wine hunt for the particular cabernet they like. And I am having lunch with old friend Ab Potter whom I have not seen in few years. When I think of all those people that I love I realize how rich my life is. No wonder I can't sleep; I am too busy counting my blessings.
Neihbur was right; the only prayer necessary is 'thank you".
Part of my inability to go back to sleep is Keto's fault. He has the dry itchies and keeps waking up scratching. And, yes, he does sleep with me and, yes, I am a light sleeper so I get what I deserve, right?
And then there is all this travel by my kids right now. Carl and Heather flying to SF last night, Tricia and Amelia flying here in the am, Larry in Chicago, Steve and Robin coming Sunday; it takes a lot of mother-energy to get all those people where they are going safely.
Another blessing...Park and Shar are coming to spend the night so today I am on a wine hunt for the particular cabernet they like. And I am having lunch with old friend Ab Potter whom I have not seen in few years. When I think of all those people that I love I realize how rich my life is. No wonder I can't sleep; I am too busy counting my blessings.
Neihbur was right; the only prayer necessary is 'thank you".
Monday, August 13, 2007
Missing in Action
I haven't been blogging because I was in Michigan with friends. Friends who must rely on (shutter!) dial up service. I did check email (I am an addict, after all) but my patience was used up on that. Using dial up is akin to practicing zen buddhism.....you do a lot of staring into space, hands in lap, being in the present, waiting, and waiting.
They live in the woods and that means dsl is unavailable and wireless is impossible. They are also lucky to get one bar on the cell phone. I love visiting there but could never live in such a technilogically remote place.
Ah, but the weather was 10 degrees cooler, the restaurants were wonderful and I have had my August allotment of wine already. In other words, we had a great time.
Now it's back to the projects on my desk and doctor's appointments. I am hoping to find out the deal on knee surgery today, which will let me plan ahead on things that have been on hold.
They live in the woods and that means dsl is unavailable and wireless is impossible. They are also lucky to get one bar on the cell phone. I love visiting there but could never live in such a technilogically remote place.
Ah, but the weather was 10 degrees cooler, the restaurants were wonderful and I have had my August allotment of wine already. In other words, we had a great time.
Now it's back to the projects on my desk and doctor's appointments. I am hoping to find out the deal on knee surgery today, which will let me plan ahead on things that have been on hold.
Monday, August 6, 2007
MaryJo
Mary Jo is part of my book club. As a group we have been together over 30 years. When I moved to Kankakee in '74 it took me several years to find other women like me (smart, irreverent, readers,etc). I must have joined book club in '76 and have planned my schedule around the second Thursday ever since.
Members have come and gone. Some have moved away, retired or not. A few have had to move because of their husband's job. The new members that replaced them came first as guests, getting a very informal unspoken ok to join from all the group so we have stayed at about 12-14 members for all this time.
Lots of us were teachers or former teachers (especially English teachers) and within the group is the subset of those who worked together in the Kankakee school system. Mary Jo is one of those; she finished her career as the #2 in administration.
MaryJo is the most vociferous reader of the group; we always marvel at the amount of reading she does. She is the expert on all that is happening in the literary world and we always want to read her selections.
Since she retired she has been the guiding force of the Friends of the Library on almost a full time schedule; she has been responsible for bringing well known authors to Kankakee and helping to put the new library in the center of life here.
Like most of us in book club she is a doting grandma...we have gone thru so many stages of life together. Raising little ones, struggling with teenagers, losing our own parents, going thru the "change", becoming grandmothers, retirement, major and minor illness. Of course we talk about the book! And so much more. We are, most of us, very good talkers and would never run out of topics.
MaryJo has been so vital to that process, being the reader and the talker she has been.
Now she lies in ICU still with tubes everywhere in a coma. The doctors say the stroke she had a week ago did massive damage to her brain. If she were to come out of the coma she would have no comprehension, could not speak, could not read, could not understand or recognize anyone. She left a living will....she would not want that existence.
I cannot imagine book club without her. Until now, I hadn't realized how much I cared about her. I wished I had told her that before last Saturday.
Members have come and gone. Some have moved away, retired or not. A few have had to move because of their husband's job. The new members that replaced them came first as guests, getting a very informal unspoken ok to join from all the group so we have stayed at about 12-14 members for all this time.
Lots of us were teachers or former teachers (especially English teachers) and within the group is the subset of those who worked together in the Kankakee school system. Mary Jo is one of those; she finished her career as the #2 in administration.
MaryJo is the most vociferous reader of the group; we always marvel at the amount of reading she does. She is the expert on all that is happening in the literary world and we always want to read her selections.
Since she retired she has been the guiding force of the Friends of the Library on almost a full time schedule; she has been responsible for bringing well known authors to Kankakee and helping to put the new library in the center of life here.
Like most of us in book club she is a doting grandma...we have gone thru so many stages of life together. Raising little ones, struggling with teenagers, losing our own parents, going thru the "change", becoming grandmothers, retirement, major and minor illness. Of course we talk about the book! And so much more. We are, most of us, very good talkers and would never run out of topics.
MaryJo has been so vital to that process, being the reader and the talker she has been.
Now she lies in ICU still with tubes everywhere in a coma. The doctors say the stroke she had a week ago did massive damage to her brain. If she were to come out of the coma she would have no comprehension, could not speak, could not read, could not understand or recognize anyone. She left a living will....she would not want that existence.
I cannot imagine book club without her. Until now, I hadn't realized how much I cared about her. I wished I had told her that before last Saturday.
Friday, August 3, 2007
Never take for granted
A few of the things I want to never take for granted:
Hearing the birds in the morning/being able to get out of bed.
Taking a shower and feeling fresh to start a new day.
Getting a phone call from my granddaughters
Snuggling on the couch with my dog right after he's been to the groomer.
Laughing with friends at Jon Stewart every evening.
Fresh produce from the farmer's market.
Diving into a really good novel/having the time to read all day.
Talking to my sons on the phone about serious things/ silly things.
Getting a real hug that says I love you from a friend.
Hearing the birds in the morning/being able to get out of bed.
Taking a shower and feeling fresh to start a new day.
Getting a phone call from my granddaughters
Snuggling on the couch with my dog right after he's been to the groomer.
Laughing with friends at Jon Stewart every evening.
Fresh produce from the farmer's market.
Diving into a really good novel/having the time to read all day.
Talking to my sons on the phone about serious things/ silly things.
Getting a real hug that says I love you from a friend.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Happy Birthday!
Today is my brother's birthday. My only brother. My only family (except our kids, of course).
For those who don't know him......
My brother is very gifted; he can do anything he decides to do. He created an entire suite in his basement from scratch, doing all the framing, drywall, electrical, plumbing, and hvac. He is an artist who works primarily with photography. He is a model railroader who uses his artistic ability to create an entire miniature world. He is a preacher who prepares himself mentally for days.
He is the grandfather of four doting little girls and the father of two delightful daughters and is married to the best sister-in-law anyone could ask for; and all those females add up to his own beloved fan club.
He has a joyous sense of humor, sometimes a little repetitive, but always infectious. He can charm the socks off anyone if he decides to. And when it comes to dominoes he is THE gamemaster.
He is a man of deep faith who works hard at living what he believes. He doesn't always do what is best for his health and that worries those who love him.
He is becoming a good golfer. He is one of the best drivers I have ever ridden with. He can be very very stubborn.
I am so grateful that he is my brother and friend. I love him very much. Happy Birthday,
Richard.
For those who don't know him......
My brother is very gifted; he can do anything he decides to do. He created an entire suite in his basement from scratch, doing all the framing, drywall, electrical, plumbing, and hvac. He is an artist who works primarily with photography. He is a model railroader who uses his artistic ability to create an entire miniature world. He is a preacher who prepares himself mentally for days.
He is the grandfather of four doting little girls and the father of two delightful daughters and is married to the best sister-in-law anyone could ask for; and all those females add up to his own beloved fan club.
He has a joyous sense of humor, sometimes a little repetitive, but always infectious. He can charm the socks off anyone if he decides to. And when it comes to dominoes he is THE gamemaster.
He is a man of deep faith who works hard at living what he believes. He doesn't always do what is best for his health and that worries those who love him.
He is becoming a good golfer. He is one of the best drivers I have ever ridden with. He can be very very stubborn.
I am so grateful that he is my brother and friend. I love him very much. Happy Birthday,
Richard.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Perspective
Standing over my friend in ICU with tubes everywhere possible in a drug induced coma, I decided that my painful knee was of little consequence. It was extremely painful to see her like that.
Kay Beguhn is here staying with me in order to see MaryJo and we both decided we shouldn't even be allowed to go in to see her. Her blood pressure went up and she appeared agitated so we felt she could hear us and wanted to respond and couldn't. She really needs to be left alone and yet everyone's inclined to rush over there and visit.
It's also driving me crazy that she is not getting good doctoring, but she is in no shape to move to Chicago. A major problem. And it makes me so aware that there are plenty of emergency medical situations that can happen to any of us here where the quality of doctoring leaves something to be desired. Another of those biggies you can't control. There aren't even the doctors here that would enable one to get a second opinion. Would she have made it in a copter for surgery in Chicago? Who knows.
I know if I am in any kind of serious medical emergency and I am stable enough to move I want that plane ride to Chicago!
Kay Beguhn is here staying with me in order to see MaryJo and we both decided we shouldn't even be allowed to go in to see her. Her blood pressure went up and she appeared agitated so we felt she could hear us and wanted to respond and couldn't. She really needs to be left alone and yet everyone's inclined to rush over there and visit.
It's also driving me crazy that she is not getting good doctoring, but she is in no shape to move to Chicago. A major problem. And it makes me so aware that there are plenty of emergency medical situations that can happen to any of us here where the quality of doctoring leaves something to be desired. Another of those biggies you can't control. There aren't even the doctors here that would enable one to get a second opinion. Would she have made it in a copter for surgery in Chicago? Who knows.
I know if I am in any kind of serious medical emergency and I am stable enough to move I want that plane ride to Chicago!
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