Happy Anniversary

Fifteen.

Do you know what can happen in just 15 years?

Degrees, beautiful babies, new homes

Weathering storms, disagreements;

The daily challenge of living with another.

Making mistakes that hurt,

Saying things you regret.

Trying to balance each other’s needs.

Maintaining other friendships,

Sharing the duties of parenthood.

Hell, just staying civil when sleep deprived!

And always, ALWAYS, forgiving one another

Forgiving one self; for imperfections,

Unintentional hurts, freeing the way to say

“I love you, best friend.”

My prayer for you daily.

Regrets

I have not cried in a long time.

I did not think I could.

I have numbed myself so many ways

I think I often live in a daze

Self made.

Hard to admit one hurts

Or even to give that power away.

I’ve fashioned a cloak of midnight

That wrapped me out of sight

Self safe.

The universe colludes to expose

What we want hidden.

When your presence is real

My cloak disappears, reveals

Self pain.

Nothing can fill the void

Or numb the true pain.

I made bad choices in life

I failed at being a wife.

Self alone.

That’s not always a difficult role

It suits me, I think.

It’s just seeing you that I feel

I may have missed the real deal.

Self imposed.

So I’ll carry on as I am

Life is good, I am blessed.

Meant to be single, I guess.

I will continue to be my best

Self.

Becoming a character

I have no patience with public gatherings anymore. All the Parkinson books say don't become a recluse. Maybe my feeling this way is connected to that. I only know I don't want to make anymore small talk. There is just so little time left that I want to spend my time either with meaningful people or alone with my computer writing or with a book.
I am looking forward to ending my St Mary career and all the social obligations that go along with t hat. I particularly don't want to spend any more time chatting with people I don't like. Sounds like I am going backward in my socialization skills, but I think I'm really progressing towards more authenticity.
We've all known old people who were labeled "characters" or "eccentric" because they said and did whatever they felt like, not what was expected. That's my new goal. Watch me become one of them! Should be fun.

All Hail Dotty!

Yesterday was a big day for my friend and housemate, Dotty Lagesse. She was selected to win the Athena Award from the Women in Business organization, a branch of the Chamber of Commerce. For once they made a good choice because she is a good businesswomen. Just becauses she runs a non for profit people forget what a complicated business it is and how much skill is involved in doing it successfully. I joined some of her family in being there for lunch. I like her Mom but she said something that really bothered me. When someone asked her if she was proud of her daughter's accomplishments, she said " Oh, I take it for granted".

Dotty is so super responsible and driven to work hard that I think too many people do take for granted what she has done with a complex and difficult task. She has to be hard nosed to deal with some of her contacts and sensitive and caring with others. She is almost always dealing with pain of some kind. She works 6 days a week and is out the door at 6 am. She is the most disciplined person I know.

Neither of us is the emotional "mushy" type so we seldom talk about our feelings with each other. When we want to say something nice we do it on paper. So this is my way of saying how proud I am to be your friend, Dotty. People will be congratulating you for weeks. Soak it all up and store it for the "bitchy" days.

New Leaf

Alright, I am going public with this in hopes that will give me one more reason to stick to my resolve. Starting tomorrow I am lowering the caloric intake and increasing the physical activity. I am NOT going on a diet; no siree. That is a sure fire loser (and not weight) approach to my ultimate goal, which is to once again be able to fit into my Chico jeans.
I don't want to hear about how good it would be for my PD or arthritis to move more; I don't want to hear about the benefits of scaling back on my sugar intake. And I certainly don't want it pointed out that I would be better off not drinking wine every evening. But if I could only get into those Chico jeans I know I would be a happier individual. Sooooo,
Starting tomorrow I will be writing down everything I eat and drink ( a real depressing experience if you are out of control) with the expectation that I will stop buying and consuming a Dove bar every other day, stay away from Dairy Cream (I don't even like it!) and stop the compulsive eating (and, no, Oprah, I am not going to analyze why I eat compulsively).
At the same time I will, I will, I will exercise at least 30 minutes every day. Well, I'll rest on Sunday. I mean, after all, She did.
So, friends and family, hold my feet to the fire (or I should say my butt) and the next time you see me notice the label on my jeans...if it's llbean, I will not have met my goal yet. But I will. Promise.

Do Not Judge

I bring my funky self to this keyboard,

this friend

Who records my myriad moods

Silently.

I am grateful for the silence..

How often well meaning friends say

“You shouldn’t feel that way,

Yadda,yadda”

Don’t tell me how I should feel.

Ever.

Most of the time my feelings are all

Jumbled; .

A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

Even contradictory,

Right now the stew contains some sorrow;

Book club minus Mary Jo...

Some loneliness; aware of my aloneness.

Peacefulness; aloneness means no tension,

I do not judge me by what I feel.

Envy.

Happy Birthday, Park and Shar

My oldest, as in longest, friends are both celebrating their birthdays this week; they are only one day apart. Pretty rare among married folk. And they are pretty rare in other ways too. If I didn't know the Davis's I might think good marriages are impossible. But I've watched these two for over 40 years and have only witnessed a matched pair, caring for each other.

Like anyone reaching this point in life, they've had their share of pain and sorrow. But they have always had each other to support and comfort one another. They enjoy the same things, have tried a dozen or more hobbies and activities together; target practice, motorcycles, camping, sailing, skiing; whatever one wants to try the other is usually game.

Shar, however, is the cook par excel lance. Except when it comes to grilling; then Park takes over and no one can interfere. They even like the same wine!

When our children were little Shar and I kept each other sane. We were very different as mothers, but our kids had no problem adjusting to the rules of each house. Perhaps Park and Shar are like that. They may not really like all the same things, but they adjust beautifully to what the other one likes.

My prayer for them is that they live many more birthdays in good health together and when it's time to exit they will be able to do that together too. I can't imagine one without the other.
They are very special to me, chosen family.
I love you both; Happy Birthday!