Happy Anniversary

Fifteen.

Do you know what can happen in just 15 years?

Degrees, beautiful babies, new homes

Weathering storms, disagreements;

The daily challenge of living with another.

Making mistakes that hurt,

Saying things you regret.

Trying to balance each other’s needs.

Maintaining other friendships,

Sharing the duties of parenthood.

Hell, just staying civil when sleep deprived!

And always, ALWAYS, forgiving one another

Forgiving one self; for imperfections,

Unintentional hurts, freeing the way to say

“I love you, best friend.”

My prayer for you daily.

Regrets

I have not cried in a long time.

I did not think I could.

I have numbed myself so many ways

I think I often live in a daze

Self made.

Hard to admit one hurts

Or even to give that power away.

I’ve fashioned a cloak of midnight

That wrapped me out of sight

Self safe.

The universe colludes to expose

What we want hidden.

When your presence is real

My cloak disappears, reveals

Self pain.

Nothing can fill the void

Or numb the true pain.

I made bad choices in life

I failed at being a wife.

Self alone.

That’s not always a difficult role

It suits me, I think.

It’s just seeing you that I feel

I may have missed the real deal.

Self imposed.

So I’ll carry on as I am

Life is good, I am blessed.

Meant to be single, I guess.

I will continue to be my best

Self.

Becoming a character

I have no patience with public gatherings anymore. All the Parkinson books say don't become a recluse. Maybe my feeling this way is connected to that. I only know I don't want to make anymore small talk. There is just so little time left that I want to spend my time either with meaningful people or alone with my computer writing or with a book.
I am looking forward to ending my St Mary career and all the social obligations that go along with t hat. I particularly don't want to spend any more time chatting with people I don't like. Sounds like I am going backward in my socialization skills, but I think I'm really progressing towards more authenticity.
We've all known old people who were labeled "characters" or "eccentric" because they said and did whatever they felt like, not what was expected. That's my new goal. Watch me become one of them! Should be fun.

All Hail Dotty!

Yesterday was a big day for my friend and housemate, Dotty Lagesse. She was selected to win the Athena Award from the Women in Business organization, a branch of the Chamber of Commerce. For once they made a good choice because she is a good businesswomen. Just becauses she runs a non for profit people forget what a complicated business it is and how much skill is involved in doing it successfully. I joined some of her family in being there for lunch. I like her Mom but she said something that really bothered me. When someone asked her if she was proud of her daughter's accomplishments, she said " Oh, I take it for granted".

Dotty is so super responsible and driven to work hard that I think too many people do take for granted what she has done with a complex and difficult task. She has to be hard nosed to deal with some of her contacts and sensitive and caring with others. She is almost always dealing with pain of some kind. She works 6 days a week and is out the door at 6 am. She is the most disciplined person I know.

Neither of us is the emotional "mushy" type so we seldom talk about our feelings with each other. When we want to say something nice we do it on paper. So this is my way of saying how proud I am to be your friend, Dotty. People will be congratulating you for weeks. Soak it all up and store it for the "bitchy" days.

New Leaf

Alright, I am going public with this in hopes that will give me one more reason to stick to my resolve. Starting tomorrow I am lowering the caloric intake and increasing the physical activity. I am NOT going on a diet; no siree. That is a sure fire loser (and not weight) approach to my ultimate goal, which is to once again be able to fit into my Chico jeans.
I don't want to hear about how good it would be for my PD or arthritis to move more; I don't want to hear about the benefits of scaling back on my sugar intake. And I certainly don't want it pointed out that I would be better off not drinking wine every evening. But if I could only get into those Chico jeans I know I would be a happier individual. Sooooo,
Starting tomorrow I will be writing down everything I eat and drink ( a real depressing experience if you are out of control) with the expectation that I will stop buying and consuming a Dove bar every other day, stay away from Dairy Cream (I don't even like it!) and stop the compulsive eating (and, no, Oprah, I am not going to analyze why I eat compulsively).
At the same time I will, I will, I will exercise at least 30 minutes every day. Well, I'll rest on Sunday. I mean, after all, She did.
So, friends and family, hold my feet to the fire (or I should say my butt) and the next time you see me notice the label on my jeans...if it's llbean, I will not have met my goal yet. But I will. Promise.

Do Not Judge

I bring my funky self to this keyboard,

this friend

Who records my myriad moods

Silently.

I am grateful for the silence..

How often well meaning friends say

“You shouldn’t feel that way,

Yadda,yadda”

Don’t tell me how I should feel.

Ever.

Most of the time my feelings are all

Jumbled; .

A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

Even contradictory,

Right now the stew contains some sorrow;

Book club minus Mary Jo...

Some loneliness; aware of my aloneness.

Peacefulness; aloneness means no tension,

I do not judge me by what I feel.

Envy.

Happy Birthday, Park and Shar

My oldest, as in longest, friends are both celebrating their birthdays this week; they are only one day apart. Pretty rare among married folk. And they are pretty rare in other ways too. If I didn't know the Davis's I might think good marriages are impossible. But I've watched these two for over 40 years and have only witnessed a matched pair, caring for each other.

Like anyone reaching this point in life, they've had their share of pain and sorrow. But they have always had each other to support and comfort one another. They enjoy the same things, have tried a dozen or more hobbies and activities together; target practice, motorcycles, camping, sailing, skiing; whatever one wants to try the other is usually game.

Shar, however, is the cook par excel lance. Except when it comes to grilling; then Park takes over and no one can interfere. They even like the same wine!

When our children were little Shar and I kept each other sane. We were very different as mothers, but our kids had no problem adjusting to the rules of each house. Perhaps Park and Shar are like that. They may not really like all the same things, but they adjust beautifully to what the other one likes.

My prayer for them is that they live many more birthdays in good health together and when it's time to exit they will be able to do that together too. I can't imagine one without the other.
They are very special to me, chosen family.
I love you both; Happy Birthday!

Refections on Mother's Day

It 's a Hallmark holiday, right? Still, we are such brainwashed consumers that we take it seriously. Especially us mothers. Imagine how we would feel if our kids tossed it off and didn't make some kind of contact.
Lord knows my primary feeling that pops up when my mother is mentioned is guilt. It is especially present now as I have yet to make the trip to the cemetery with this years offering of plastic flowers (they're in the car though) as I promised to her as she was dying. She didn't really want them for herself, but for her beloved David lying next to her. I will spare you my thoughts on that.
Why the guilt on my part? I treated her badly; felt no respect for her; was embarrassed by
her; did the minimal in attending to her when she was alone; felt mostly relief when she died.
The older I get the more I realize she was a product of her parents; her intellectual level was not something she could change; she was a sad co-dependent non-achiever because she just was.
I judged her harshly, rejected her as a model and always felt that I was more mature and smarter than she was. Which was probably true.

Now that I've made my share of mistakes as a mother and bad choices as a woman, I wonder how my sons judge me. I know they love me. And I don''t need Mother's Day to know that.

But I wonder how they will describe me when I'm gone.

Calling Kay Beguhn

I am so frustratedwith myself. I am using my laptop....at a meeting in Chicago....and I accidentally deleted a long note from you that somehow went to my trash instead of inbox, I think you hadb;t put any title in the subjecft line and AT&T yahoo does that, And I don;t have your email address in this computer so if I can't find it will you re send your letter,, please and i will answer,

The previous post

Yesterday was a special day mainly because I had so many phone calls from people I love.

The double special one was a call from Amelia; she was calling to thank me for something I sent the girls and she was so tickled with it that I could hear her smile as she talked. By the way, that is like talking to an adult now! So the previous post is what made her smile and I thought I 'd share it. Not my most sophisticated poetry, but it pleased her and that was my intent.

Talked to three sons last night and am off to Chicago this morning. Will get to have dinner with Steve and Robin and then Dotty's youngest pair visits us for weekend and Carl and Heather will be here Sunday....sounds like a great weekend to me!

Two Girls in Pink

This is a tale of two girls in pink,

A very good color, I think.

They helped pack their things

And put on their wings.

Soon they were high in the sky

Strapped in their seats, Why?

Well, to visit their Nana, you see.

And, of course, other family.

Tricia came too, but she doesn’t wear pink

Moms usually wear black or mink.

Cute those girls are but quiet they’re not;

And Nanas and Moms get tired a lot.

But back to our pink story

I’ve strayed a bit; sorry.

Look how much I have written

Without naming my “kittens”!

Amelia is oldest and wise is she

Greta is wilder; she’s not yet three.

Together they play and have fun

And at Nana’s with Keto they run.

Amelia has always loved purple and pink

Greta will follow what Amelia thinks

So when Nana goes shopping for girl stuff

She only sees pink (but not things with fluff!)

These cuties are not just sugar and spice

Don’t think they just always play nice.

They can wrestle and bike and roll in the snow

They can scuff up their knees and they grow!

And smart? Why those two in pink

Always amaze me by what they can think,

And talented too; they can sing and dance

Especially Amelia; remember she’s advanced.

Amelia is older, the big sister, the leader

She helps her Mom and is a very good reader.

And Greta is Greta. Noisy and clever

If she had her way “to bed” would be never,

Nana is eager to see them at any time

Can you guess why that is (with a rhyme?)

Two smart girls in pink who like to fly

Nana loves you so, so much, that’s why.

Happy Birthday, Sarah!

Today is the birthday of my beloved niece, Sarah Gregga. Her daughter Isabelle would probably tell you that she is the ancient age of 34, but I won't do that.
When I think of Sarah, the first word that comes to mind is "artist". She is very creative and artistic, always involved in some kind of project that involves expressing herself creatively, whether it be decorating, planning a party, scrap booking, knitting, or even just dressing her girls. Whatever she does she does it with a flair for color and beauty. With Jason's help her biggest project so far has been the creation of two beautiful girls.
Sarah is a family person; she didn't like being stranded out there on the East Coast. So where does she move to? Only five houses down the block from her folks. Now that wouldn't work for everyone, but with a father/grandfather who is smitten with his girls and a mother who is her best friend I think Sarah is very happy with the arrangement.
Except in the winter.

Because January thru March her Dad's job pretty much comes to a standstill Rich and Patty are able to winter with me in Florida. And that leaves Sarah very lonely. Then she only has beautiful Isabelle, equally cute Sophia, her handsome and brilliant husband Jason and THE cat, Elliot.

I'm sorry, Sarah, but when you really get old you'll understand what spending winter in Florida means to aging joints, etc, Despite what Isabelle says you are still young and beautiful. And from what I can see a wonderful mother and homemaker...two of the hardest jobs in the world.

Oh, and did I say anything about witty? Sarah knows how to come up with a phrase or comment that hits the bulls eye and usually makes us laugh. And, of course, all that talent and beauty must come from the Westerwelle in her; well, at least the talent.

She is a very special woman that makes the space around her beautiful and fun to in. Happy Birthday, Sarah.

Mood enhancer

Nice to get phone calls from the men in my life about that downer poem I posted last, but am not feeling that dire still. One, I've settled in here and have adjusted to the change in locales finally and two my bro assured me he would drive me down in November!
So what did I dream about all night? Decorating the condo, of course.

It has been strange to feel that I've mentally shifted my residence and this is the place where I don't feel as connected. But I realize that is something that I have created by dropping off boards, etc.

Some good news for a change; I had my regular visit up at Rush for the PD and this time was tested again by the psychiatrist for brain function. This was something they did 4 years ago when I was first diagnosed. It involves reciting back long series of numbers; then giving them backwards, remembering lists of words he shows you after minutes have gone be, doing spatial tests, etc. They are testing to see if you have lost brain function, memory, etc. Well, I wowed him; apparently I did better that I did 4 years a go and he even said I was the first patient he had eve r had to get 100% on one of the tests. So it's still working! That made my week.

I can plan to return to Florida before the holidays and my brain is functioning better than ever . Life is sweet.